Lesson 1 Unconditional acceptance I would like to introduce you to one general principle, without which all attempts to improve relationships with a child are unsuccessful. This will be our starting point. This principle is unconditional acceptance. What does it mean? Unconditionally accepting a child means loving him not because he is beautiful, smart, capable, an excellent student, an assistant, and so on, but just like that, simply for the fact that he is! You can often hear such an appeal from parents to to a son or daughter: “If you are a good boy (girl), then I will love you.” Or: “Don’t expect good things from me until you stop... (being lazy, fighting, being rude), start... (studying well, helping around the house, obeying).” Let’s take a closer look: in these phrases the child is directly informed that that he is accepted conditionally, that he is loved (or will be loved), “only if...”. A conditional, evaluative attitude towards a person is generally characteristic of our culture. This attitude is also introduced into the consciousness of children. The reason for the widespread evaluative attitude towards children lies in the firm belief that rewards and punishments are the main educational means. Praise a child and he will strengthen in goodness; punish him and evil will retreat. But here’s the problem: they are not always trouble-free, these funds. Who doesn’t know this regularity: the more a child is scolded, the worse he becomes. Why is this happening? But because raising a child is not training at all. Parents do not exist to develop conditioned reflexes in children. Psychologists have proven that the need for love, to belong, that is, to be needed by another, is one of the fundamental human needs. Its satisfaction is a necessary condition for the normal development of the child. This need is satisfied when you tell your child that he is dear to you, needed, important, that he is simply good. Such messages are contained in friendly glances, affectionate touches, direct words: “It’s so good that you were born with us,” “I’m glad to see you,” “I like you,” “I love it when you’re at home,” “I feel good.” when we are together...” Well-known family therapist Virginia Satir recommended hugging a child several times a day, saying that four hugs are absolutely necessary for everyone simply for survival, and for good health you need at least eight hugs a day! And, by the way, not only for a child, but also for an adult. Of course, a child especially needs such signs of unconditional acceptance, like food for a growing organism. They nourish him emotionally, helping him develop psychologically. If “he does not receive such signs, then emotional problems, behavioral deviations, and even neuropsychic diseases appear. The mother of one five-year-old girl, having discovered symptoms of neurosis in her daughter, consulted a doctor. In the conversation it turned out that one day her daughter asked: “Mom, what was the biggest trouble you and dad had before I was born?” “Why do you ask that?” - the mother was surprised. “Yes, because then I became the biggest trouble for you,” the girl answered. Let’s try to imagine how many dozens, if not hundreds of times this girl heard before coming to such a conclusion that she “is not so”, “bad”, “everyone gets bored”, “a real punishment”... And everything she experienced was embodied in her neurosis. Children are sincere in their feelings, and give absolute sincerity to any phrase spoken by an adult. The more often parents get annoyed with the child, they pull him back, criticize him, the faster he comes to a generalization: “They don’t like me.” Children don’t hear the parents’ arguments like: “I care about you” or “For your own good.” More precisely, they can hear the words, but not them. meaning. They have their own, emotional, accounting. The tone is more important than words, and if it is harsh, angry or simply strict, then the conclusion is always clear: “Sometimes this is expressed for the child not so much in words as in words.” feeling bad, “not like that,” unhappy. • Let’s see what the “non-acceptance complex” develops into as children grow up. Hereexcerpt from a letter from a fourteen-year-old girl: “I don’t believe that you can have friendly relations with your mother. My least favorite days are Saturday and Sunday. My mother scolds me these days. If she had spoken to me like a human being instead of yelling, I would have understood her better... She can also be understood, she wants to make me a good person, but what she gets is unhappy. I'm tired of living like this. I ask you for help!” Resentment, loneliness, and sometimes despair are heard in the letters of other guys. They talk about how their parents “are not friends with them,” never speak “humanly,” “poke,” “yell,” and use only imperative verbs: “do it!”, “take it away!”, “bring it!” , “Wash it!” Many children no longer hope for an improvement in the situation at home and are looking for outside help. Contacting the editors of newspapers and magazines (“Help!”, “What should I do?”, “I can’t continue to live like this!”), And through all this, sometimes notes of warm childish concern for parents break through: “How to calm her down?”, “ It’s difficult for them too,” “She can also be understood...” True, this is written mainly by children under thirteen or fourteen years old. And those who are older have already become hardened. They simply don’t want to see their parents, they don’t want to be under the same roof with them. How do the parents feel? How do they live? They have no less bitterness and resentment: “It’s not life, but one torment...”, “I’m going home like I’m on a battlefield,” “I stopped sleeping at night - I keep crying...” Believe me, even if it came to this extremes, extremes for both sides, all is not lost: parents can return peace to the family. But for this you need to start with yourself. Why from yourself? Because adults have more knowledge, the ability to control themselves, more life experience. Of course, parents also need help. I hope that you will receive this help throughout all of our classes. Now let’s try to understand what reasons prevent parents from unconditionally accepting their child and showing it to him. Perhaps the main one is the attitude towards “education”, which was already discussed above. Here is a typical remark from one mother: “How can I be his hug if he hasn't learned his lessons yet? First discipline, and then good relationships. Otherwise, I’ll ruin it.” And mom takes the path of critical comments, reminders, and demands. Who among us does not know that most likely the son will react with all sorts of excuses, delays, and if preparing homework is an old problem, then with open resistance. Mom, for seemingly reasonable “pedagogical reasons,” finds herself in a vicious circle, a circle of mutual dissatisfaction, growing tension, and frequent conflicts. Where is the mistake? The mistake was at the very beginning: discipline is not before, but after the establishment of good relationships, and only on the basis of them. We will discuss what and how to do this later. And now I will mention other possible reasons for the emotional rejection or even pushing away of a child. Sometimes parents are unaware of them, sometimes they are aware of them, but try to drown out their inner voice. There are many such reasons. For example, a child was born, so to speak, unplanned. His parents were not expecting him, they wanted to live “for their own pleasure”; and now they don’t really need him. Or they dreamed of a boy, but a girl was born. It often happens that the child is responsible for the broken marital relationship. For example, he looks like his father, from whom the mother is divorced, and some of his gestures or facial expressions evoke deep hostility in her. A hidden reason may also lie behind the parent’s increased “educational” attitude. It could be, for example, a desire to compensate for one’s failures in life, unfulfilled dreams, or a desire to prove to one’s spouse and everyone at home one’s extreme necessity, irreplaceability, the “heaviness of the burden” that one has to bear. When people become parents, something strange and inexplicable happens. They begin to play this role and act as if they have forgotten that they are human. They take on the mantle of "parents" and try to behave the way they think parents should behave. They take responsibility to be better?"