From the author: Article and video. Relationships, one of the most difficult and important qualities is the ability to withstand the dissatisfaction of a partner. When a partner is angry or suffering, it is almost impossible to remain calm. We do not always realize that it is panic inside that pushes us to try quick solutions, which are not always appropriate, not always beneficial to you, and to the partner himself. Crying, hysteria, sadness, aggression of various kinds, shame, disgust, despair, fear seem unbearable. Relationships, one of the most difficult and important qualities is the ability to withstand the dissatisfaction of a partner. When a partner is angry or suffering, it is almost impossible to remain calm. We do not always realize that it is the panic inside that pushes us to try quick solutions, which are not always appropriate, not always beneficial to you, and to the partner himself. Crying, hysteria, sadness, aggression of various kinds, shame, disgust, despair, fear seem unbearable. The first reaction is to save, blame, educate or avoid. Moreover, the partner, in an emotional storm, becomes like a child who, with hysterics, tries to get us to give us a Big Mac with coke instead of healthy food, and we often choose what kind of parent to be - bribe or train. Saving is when we, trying not to show our helplessness, buy the child a Big Mac, as a rule, this is accompanied by justificatory intellectualizations out loud. This is essentially a payoff. Avoid is like: “Do whatever you want, I don’t care anymore.” Most often, we look for the culprit - ourselves, a partner or another. As if by punishing the culprit we can solve the problem. Blame - in response to my wife’s hysteria, in order to get a fur coat, we remember all her shortcomings and all the situations where we sacrificed ourselves (by our own decision) A stream of self-accusations and self-flagellation, also most often out loud, creates the illusion of removing guilt from oneself. Well, sometimes you can also attack: when a woman cries, a man wants to punch the face of someone who is somehow connected with this. But the first reaction is most often an attempt to save himself, no matter how good it may seem, the role of a parent is only seems mature in this situation with her partner. More often we sacrifice our needs, accumulating dissatisfaction, or make a choice that in the end turns out to be rather harmful, and more often for both. How not to play games of mutual and self-torture. Recognize your helplessness - stop, breathe and determine what emotions it evokes. It is not necessary to play more adult and responsible (this is also hypocrisy); you can tell your partner about your reaction - he is an adult in fact, even if he has “regressed” emotionally, and can return if treated accordingly. It is important to determine what you personally can do and what you can’t. From the fact that you personally can do what will be beneficial and what will be harmful, what will be beneficial and what will be harmful to you personally (now and later), what will be beneficial and what will be harmful to your partner, what will be beneficial and what will be harmful to your couple in your relationship, it makes sense to determine what kind of benefit and what harm, and even rank them and weigh them - which will be stronger. Discuss what, in your opinion, your partner can do. Just discuss (not a monologue, but a question and answer), don’t lecture, don’t judge, don’t demand. Decide what you CANNOT do or refuse. Share responsibility, don’t devalue your partner’s ability to act maturely. If you sincerely do not believe in this ability, you really need to see a psychologist and family therapist. The phrase: “I love you but I refuse to do this” can cause an unconscious fear that your partner will reject you, punish you. Let your partner cope with their emotions and the situation, compassionately but refusing to regret. Recognizing that this is difficult and unbearable for YOU, and pity is an attempt to cope with your feelings of guilt and does not help your partner in this situation. Compassion helps you remain sincere and not confuse what is in your competence and what is not. When your partner is overwhelmed by feelings, let him experience it without rushing to act, but by acknowledging the feelings. Give me time, say what