As you know, there are different addictions - from cigarettes, from alcohol, from drugs, etc. A special place among the whole variety of addictions is occupied by the type of attachment addiction in a relationship with a significant (loved) person. Relationships of this type, as a rule, sooner or later, degenerate into manipulative ones and, from the point of view of transactional analysis, are a manifestation of a person’s life scenario, the roots of which go deep into early childhood and are associated mainly with the peculiarities of the system of relations in the parental family, in conditions under which a child and then an adolescent develops. In addition, from the point of view of neurobiology, regularly repeating similar emotionally charged events in a person’s life receive appropriate hormonal reinforcement, and therefore become fixed in a person’s life scenario as a behavioral habit. As a clear example, I quote the story of one girl (anonymously): “I have not been able to forget my ex for 4.5 years now. I am strongly drawn to him by invisible threads. We started dating when I was 19, and now I am already 24. I have I had relationships/communications with others after him, but as soon as he appeared in my field of vision, that’s it - I lost my head, abandoned everyone and ran to him (I’m disgusted with myself, but I continue to do this), and he cheated on all his girls with me (I’m not proud of this, if anything). Every month we start communicating, then we meet (in the sense of “meeting” “date”), we have a heart-to-heart talk, sex, we communicate for another one or two days and he can easily disappear , do not write to me until I write myself. The last time he promised that we would go to another country and no longer answers me when I asked to meet him (I am leaving for 3 months to another city). , he sees my messages, he follows different girls on Instagram, but he ignores me. I feel so stupid and so naive that I want to cry. I’m not stupid, but I fall for his words like some kind of dog. At the same time, I understand that he is not the one all girls dream of: he’s cute, but not really wow; no permanent job, no home either, cheater, smokes, etc. But in the moments when we are together, I feel so good and I feel like myself, I don’t pretend and I don’t have to be embarrassed by him. I like how he admires my body, I like that he is fun to be with, that he can protect me, that he shares something very important, hugs me so tenderly, cries with me. I know that he is using me, I know that he is not the person I need, but I can’t help it. This torment has been going on for almost 5 years, and I still can’t let him go. Or rather, I don’t even want to let go. I want him to be close, always. But I’m such a fool, so naive, that I’m trying to convince myself that everything will change! I hate myself sometimes, and sometimes I hate him. It’s like there are two of me: one reaches out to him, through thorns, and the other hits his hands when I try to write to him. It’s scary to live my whole life in pursuit of him, in pursuit of his love for me, which will never be, because he loves only myself. I tried to cut off all contacts, but I fail every time. I tried to keep my distance, but it also doesn’t work because our families know each other and are friends. It seems to me that I should be locked in a white room, my hands tied... Please, just don’t order your eyes, don’t talk about how stupid I am, because I already know that. Thank you in advance!” And now I invite you to read my answer to this girl: “I understand your condition. I want to immediately reassure you: you are not stupid. There are simply several factors that I can help you work through as a psychologist practicing in the Relive-therapy approach. Firstly, the secondary benefit is obvious - after all, you yourself write: “I like how he admires my body, I like what happened to him It's funny that he can protect me, that he shares something very important, hugs me so tenderly, cries with me." Secondly, he also has a secondary benefit - it is convenient for him to use.