Women who are unlucky in love (or go to a psychologist for happiness) Girls fight! In kindergarten and at school, with boys and girls. Nowadays, girls fight, considering it the norm of their behavior. In addition, they are decisive, firmly defend their interests, and fight for power. Who taught them to behave like men? Who was an example in the formation of unfeminine behavior? The answer is sad - mothers! These are the daughters of women who are unlucky in love. Recently, a friend of mine told me about a man who lost his memory and found himself on the other side of the country without documents, money or knowledge about himself. She concluded the story by saying that there was one woman who believed him, took him in, and now he lives with her. After her description, a picture was painted in my head: an unhappy, penniless and homeless man thanks his savior for shelter and a roof over his head. Just in case, I asked: “It doesn’t work, right?” “No, why,” the narrator answers, “it turned out that he is good at cars, he soon got a job as a car mechanic and earns very decent money.” She then added that he had renovated the house and was inviting his current life partner to no longer work in a kindergarten, but to become a housewife. Having heard this, I realized that a different picture was emerging, and that another observer of the situation would say not like my friend (“there was a woman who took him in”), but “the man found a job, met a woman, created a new family, put things in order.” house". If I were not a psychologist, I would probably be surprised by such a presentation of information. However, the fact that my friend assigned a passive role to the man and gave the role of the savior to the woman in her story told me a lot. Her general attitude towards men is that she perceives them as beings in need of help, advice and guidance. She was used to making her own decisions about where she and her husband should spend the weekend, what he should do after coming home from work, when he should meet friends, what words he should say to his boss and how he should behave with the child. When communicating with any man (brother, father, colleague, husband, son), she advises, evaluates, controls, and at the same time is furiously indignant that there are no real men. Apparently, she believes that it is precisely this behavior that reveals in her a “real woman”, “Cinderella at the ball”, and that a “real man”, having felt her motherly and guiding attitude towards the strong half of humanity, will immediately want to stay with her . This friend of mine has a daughter, she is 13 years old. The girl is independent, independent, determined, and can stand up for herself both verbally and physically. In class she was given the nickname "Xena - Warrior Princess." When “Xena” talks about a young man whom she really likes, she uses the following words: “darling”, “bunny”, “charming child”. She likes to take care of him, she even often carries his briefcase from class to class, while this “charm” enjoys all the pleasures of recess. Unfortunately, this is a portrait of many of our contemporaries, although at first not everyone is ready to see themselves in this description. Observing the course of our own and other people's life events, we notice that there are women who are very successful in their personal lives: men like them, receive many signs of attention, get married successfully, finding themselves next to a reliable and caring person. Other women, on the contrary, are extremely unlucky: they are either single or married to men who have some problems (unemployed, drinkers, prone to cheating, depressed by their mothers, “mama’s boys”, having problems with the law, loving business trips and often absent at home, etc.). Usually in these situations you can hear discussions about unfortunate fate, damage, a “crown of celibacy,” a fatal coincidence, or simply mystical “bad luck.” However, the view of these women's events changes when they turn to a psychologist for help and, armedpsychological knowledge, begin to change their lives. What can you learn at an appointment with a psychologist to become happy in love? The first information a woman receives is that it is she herself, and not someone else, who is the creator of her disappointments and failures. It is she who, from the huge mass of people living in the city, in the country, on the planet, chooses the man who will subsequently cause her pain. She herself looks around at the calm, balanced, reliable ones, who seem boring or incomprehensible to her at the moment of choice. Describing the situation of meeting her future husband, one girl said this: “We were at a party. I saw that he liked me, but the boy was embarrassed to come up. Then I came first.” At the time of meeting, the “boy” was 30, she was 25. The girl (the prototype of the future “Xena”) did not think about the fact that if, when meeting a man (especially at thirty years old), he is generally unsure of himself, he will be afraid to take responsibility in life decisions, will not be able to promote his ideas at work, which will complicate his career advancement; sitting on a low salary, he will succumb to the influence of the leader. In other words, he will be influenced by strong friends, alienating him from his family and making his wife displeased, his boss will give him overtime work more often since he is unable to refuse, after all, he will be influenced by other women when her won't be around. After all, that’s exactly what she did, as a leader - she came up and decided for him: that they were getting acquainted, going to dance, and he would accompany her. At an appointment with a psychologist, after two years of family life, this young woman complained that he was kind of lethargic, indecisive, and had to do everything herself. When asked what made her come up to him that evening, after thinking, the girl admitted: “I felt that next to him I would be “on horseback” - bold, bright, that everything would be my way.” So such a woman has to be “on horseback” all the years of marriage (or decide for herself in which hand to carry his “briefcase”). Further, in the process of communicating with such a client, the psychologist may ask what will happen if she gives the laurels of leadership to him, if she stops controlling everything and allows him to make decisions. At first, the woman is indignant, saying that this is impossible, all important matters will hang “in the air,” he won’t be able to do anything (or won’t want to, won’t have time, won’t guess, etc.), that she won’t allow herself to let their life go “in the air.” gravity." And then it turns out that the real reason for such indignation is the reluctance to give up power, her habit of behaving only as a leader, and she does not know any other form of behavior. One of my friends, leaving for work, said to her husband, who had a day off that day, in a guiding tone: “Kolya, start repairing the car today” - and left. According to the husband’s description, he felt like a schoolboy in a conversation with the teacher. The wife did not ask him, as an equal adult, about his plans for this weekend; she did not even want to know his reaction to her instructions. For her, this was the usual norm. She sincerely believed that without her intervention in his man's business, it would not move. Meanwhile, my husband had been planning since the evening to start repairing the car on that very day. “Okay,” the client usually gives in. “But how can we behave differently?” She herself is not satisfied with this state of affairs, because she nevertheless came to a psychologist. And next to her husband she feels not like a woman, but like some kind of mother, teacher, leader. How do those other women who are lucky in love behave? Do they agree to give up this very power? Yes, we agree. Unlike the women described, who decide everything for themselves, for their husbands and for both of them, women who are successful in love take upon themselves to decide only the issues of their lives (about their work, household, communication with others, friends, their appearance, their needs , hobbies, etc.). He decides issues concerning the life of a man and their couple, taking into account her interests. She is satisfied with the advisory