How does it happen that a person is looking for a quiet life, a quiet haven, but gets Mexican passions? Loud conflicts, difficult relationships, frequent changes of job and type of activity... On the one hand, after hearing about such a contradiction in the client’s life, a psychologist may decide that this is about repressed real needs, carefully suppressed for some as yet unexamined reasons. But that may not be the case. Whatever the need, you can regulate the possibilities of satisfying it in more relaxed or, at least, regulated ways for yourself. This story is about emotional intelligence and the mental container. A person who is accustomed to drama is poorly oriented towards less expressed feelings and emotions and even quite decisively rejects them as insufficient for. Friendship, love, respect from colleagues... the list is individual. This habit of drama can be observed even in the absence of serious psychological trauma. A person pushes himself into a situation where he is familiar and understandable. But at the same time, he may sincerely be dissatisfied with his life. Poor tolerance to tense situations and a weak mental container gives rise to bilateral incontinence. After all, a person with such a psychological feature literally cannot hold back his emotions and splashes them out of himself. And also those feelings and states that he especially does not like. The psychic container also has a qualitative characteristic. Some people have a hard time with anger both in themselves and in others (here we can recall psychosomatic hypertension), while others also avoid worry/anxiety. Someone does not understand what to do with joy, since circumstances developed in such a way that even if there was joy, it was certainly overshadowed by something, or was mixed with traumatic events. Thus, avoided intense emotions and even feelings, around which the way of life and the outline of life events were somehow organized, are needed in order to be understood. Even if they bring significant discomfort and, when rejected and “unprocessed,” lead to quite serious consequences. Now they are also clear. But in a very narrow sense - understandable, in the sense of familiar. But they are far from incomprehensible intellectually, in essence. This does not mean that a person is stupid. This means that the symbolic function, which allows one to name feelings, understand them and realize them in relationships, is not sufficiently developed. This happens due to parental symbolic deficits or poor containment. But life, one way or another, poses tasks that directly confront us with our deficits anyway. What to do? 1. Strengthen the psychological container (tolerance) to a wide variety of experiences. Avoid labeling feelings and emotions.2. Remember that all experiences are, firstly, finite, and secondly, changeable. There is nothing permanent than temporary - as one of the postulates of Taoism says. This means that to what extent being stuck in one thing is a choice too. The degree of awareness of this choice may vary.3. It is necessary to strengthen the symbolic function (emotional intelligence). Working with a psychologist and an interest in fiction and cinema will help you here. The more you understand the motives, even of fictional characters, the better you understand yourself and what is happening to you, as well as the souls of people close to you. Mindless consumption of cultural products is inappropriate here. Involvement is important.4. Lastly, start small. Start noticing and naming less intense versions of emotions and feelings. Anger <== irritation; Anxiety <== worry; Joy or pleasure <== joyful anticipation/expectation. Interest <== curiosity, etc. PS These are the intersections of concepts that I see in psychoanalysis/modern theories and premises. To sign up for a consultation, write in private messages, or in instant messengers by phone number (WhatsApp, Viber). You can also call, but I’m not always available..