The school year began, and many children went to school, and their parents...to a psychologist. School is always a kind of litmus test showing how harmonious and healthy family relationships are. If a child attracts the attention of teachers more than other children in the areas of “performance” and “behavior,” he begins to bring home a diary with relevant comments. Parents upset by critical statements addressed to their child go to a psychologist to correct the situation. Most often, they complain to a psychologist about the behavior of a child who has stopped obeying them, and ask to influence him in such a way that he begins to obey them again, that is, to comply with their demands, as well as the demands of teachers. When I ask what you want to gain for yourself during counseling, your mother replies: “I want him...” And variations: - stopped reacting negatively to my statements; - stopped lying; - stopped watching television programs that I don’t care about. like them; - stopped being friends with “bad children” - etc. Parents thus take the position in relation to the child: “I know better how you should live.” By this, the child is deprived of almost all rights: - to his opinion; - to his choice; - to make mistakes; In some families, children do not have their own territory and their own personal time! Even in conditionally free time, parents control what the child is doing and interrupt his activities if they believe that he should not be doing this. In this case, I do not see any fundamental differences from prison conditions of existence. At the same time, a child deprived of his rights by his parents is endowed with a huge list of obligations. When I ask what your child should do, the parents quickly and easily begin to list (everything in parentheses is clarified during additional questions from the psychologist): - study (do homework and get good grades) - eat (when I call and what I give); - observe the order (established by me); - observe the daily routine (established by me); - and 144 more points... When the child begins to resist suppression and control, the parents are indignant and say: - Well, agree , after all, a child must respect adults (obey us)! - Do you respect your child? - Of course, we do. - How? - Well, we know, now, you psychologists, no offense intended, say that the child is like that he is a man, and that he has the same rights... But, excuse me, is it that we should do as he wants? Are we supposed to obey him now? Respect, therefore, is understood by parents as submission: either I subordinate the child to myself, or he submits to me. The criterion of respect is the possession of power. And now do you understand why class teacher Marya Ivanovna sends notes to parents saying that the child is ignoring her demands in class? School is a more or less free place from parental control, where teachers know that the child has rights, and the child understands that here he has more rights than the teacher. Here he may not obey anyone, and except for entries in his diary, he will not receive anything for this... I heard from the teacher that even if a child comes to class intoxicated, the teacher does not have the right to remove him from lessons, since he is responsible for his life students at this time. So what does it really mean to “respect your child”? Respect is truly about respecting rights. This does not mean that if I respect a child’s right to watch TV in his free time and not draw because “he must develop,” then I submit to his will. Respect for rights is not about finding out “who’s boss.” Usually here parents object, trying to maintain their power: - Well, now let him see what he wants: violence, blood? Let him smoke, drink? What prevents people from giving up control and suppression are fears that the child will not meet their expectations: - will not finish school; - will not receive a higher education; - will not become a president, or, at worst, a famous athlete or artist; -will not bring a “glass of water” (financial resources) in old age; Respect is impossible without the abandonment of expectations, condemnation and rejection of the child, which is expressed in the fact that the parents are not satisfied with their child as he is. There is no respect without humility that “I know best.” In fact, a child sees and analyzes many things with a pure mind, not infected with the negative thinking that adults convey to him. Therefore, he asks simple questions that indicate contradictions in adult logic, a lack of honesty in relationships and manipulation towards him. The child is much more close to reality than adults. Respect is a rejection of the “thou shalt” attitude. A child, like any other person, feels what he feels. He shouldn't respect or love you. He learns this behavior from adults, and no matter what you tell him how to do, he does everything exactly the same as you. You will never force him to respect you and love you, because in response to suppression, prohibitions and punishments, he develops anger, resentment, fear and hatred. And to put it mildly, it is illogical to expect him to show love and respect in these moments. Together with Yulia Vasyukova What does it mean to respect a child? The school year began, and many children went to school, and their parents...to a psychologist. School is always a kind of litmus test showing how harmonious and healthy family relationships are. If a child attracts the attention of teachers more than other children in the areas of “performance” and “behavior,” he begins to bring home a diary with relevant comments. Parents upset by critical statements addressed to their child go to a psychologist to correct the situation. Most often, they complain to a psychologist about the behavior of a child who has stopped obeying them, and ask to influence him in such a way that he begins to obey them again, that is, to comply with their demands, as well as the demands of teachers. When I ask what you want to gain for yourself during counseling, your mother replies: “I want him...” And variations: - stopped reacting negatively to my statements; - stopped lying; - stopped watching television programs that I don’t care about. like them; - stopped being friends with “bad children” - etc. Parents thus take the position in relation to the child: “I know better how you should live.” By this, the child is deprived of almost all rights: - to his opinion; - to his choice; - to make mistakes; In some families, children do not have their own territory and their own personal time! Even in conditionally free time, parents control what the child is doing and interrupt his activities if they believe that he should not be doing this. In this case, I do not see any fundamental differences from prison conditions of existence. At the same time, a child deprived of his rights by his parents is endowed with a huge list of obligations. When I ask what your child should do, the parents quickly and easily begin to list (everything in parentheses is clarified during additional questions from the psychologist): - study (do homework and get good grades) - eat (when I call and what I give); - observe the order (established by me); - observe the daily routine (established by me); - and 144 more points... When the child begins to resist suppression and control, the parents are indignant and say: - Well, agree , after all, a child must respect adults (obey us)! - Do you respect your child? - Of course, we do. - How? - Well, we know, now, you psychologists, no offense intended, say that the child is like that he is a man, and that he has the same rights... But, excuse me, is it that we should do as he wants? Are we supposed to obey him now? Respect, therefore, is understood by parents as submission: either I subordinate the child to myself, or he submits to me. The criterion of respect is the possession of power. And now do you understand why class teacher Marya Ivanovna sends notes to parents saying that the child is ignoring her demands in class? School is.