Chapter No. 5. Causes and stages of formation of codependency. First, I consider it necessary to mention the fact that, unfortunately, scientific research on this topic is extremely difficult to find. Specialists working with addictions and codependency are guided by personal observations and accumulated experience of various drug treatment organizations and anonymous communities that organize programs and processes for the recovery of people from addiction and codependency and share their experience at conferences and in printed publications. This does not mean at all that science is not interested in this topic. The problem lies in a slightly different area. Since codependency is, hopefully to some extent, not a diagnosable personality disorder, there is no generally accepted definition of codependency, and there is no scientific evidence that codependency is caused by a pathological process, the term is easily applied to many types of dysfunctional behavior. Therefore, it can be used by authors of various self-help manuals and any communities of support for people who find themselves in difficult life situations. Mental health professionals hold similar opinions about the theory behind the development, diagnosis, and treatment of codependency. The community of specialists identifies the leading cause of codependency as the presence of an addicted relative in the family. The problem of substance use is a family problem; the whole family is somehow involved in this disease. Moreover, addiction often occurs in several members of the same family and can be passed on from generation to generation. Even if there is only one addict in the family, then all other family members suffer psychologically. It is impossible to live next to an alcoholic or drug addict and not be emotionally involved in his life. This disease causes a large number of negative emotions in the relatives of an addicted person, and forms in them a special psychological state called codependency. We will consider codependency as a pathological condition characterized by deep absorption and strong emotional, social or even physical dependence on another person, usually suffering from some type of addiction. The community of specialists supports precisely this point of view. So, the following reasons for codependency are identified: Close relationships with an addict. The disorder most often develops in mothers. Fathers, sisters, brothers, lovers, and children are less susceptible to codependency. Perhaps this is due to natural female care based on maternal instinct. When, observing the deterioration of her son’s health in the process of his use of psychoactive substances, a woman tries in every possible way to help him, but, not having the necessary knowledge about the essence of addiction, its insidious feature of changing the personality of the addict, the woman suffers inevitable defeat, experiencing a whole range of negative feelings, such as guilt, shame, fear and the like. Faced with powerlessness, she, unconsciously and unwillingly, follows the lead of a relative’s illness. Strives to control his behavior, influence him, and take care of the patient. But it turns out that she encourages the latter to relieve himself of responsibility for his life, and he, as it were, turns into a parasite who begins to live at her expense, and the craving for the use of surfactants against this background simply continues to develop addiction unhindered. The experience of addiction. The disorder develops in individuals with a history of chemical addiction. Also at risk are those who are in a borderline state between normal and pathological dependence. Who, using surfactants, has not yet developed a dependence syndrome in themselves. Negative conditions of upbringing. Codependency often occurs in people who grew up in dysfunctionalfamilies. Their parents and close relatives were prone to fear, anger, addiction, mental illness, demonstrated violence or used it as an educational measure towards the child. You can explain the reasons for the emergence of codependency in a person through a metaphor. Imagine that you are an iceberg that shows how codependency “works” inside you. An iceberg has a tip, a surface part and a huge underwater part, which figuratively includes three floors. (see picture) The tip of the iceberg consists of visible symptoms of codependency, which can begin to appear as early as adolescence. These symptoms resemble signs of addictive behavior. These may be manifestations of uncontrollable attacks of anger, obsessions of various kinds, eating disorders, etc. At an older age, a desire may develop to spend time and energy exclusively on work, leaving nothing for the family, that is, classic workaholism, which is considered commendable in modern society. The upper underwater floor consists of relationships. The person does not have warm, supportive relationships and may lack friends and social circles. Like a tree knocked over by lightning, a codependent person sees that all his relationships with people are distorted and disrupted by some event that happened in the past. What kind of lightning destroyed his life? This lightning is called violence and constitutes the deepest underwater layer of the “codependency iceberg.” That is, in childhood the child was subjected to violence from parents or other relatives or acquaintances. This can be either physical or psychological violence. Most likely, the parents showed anger, perhaps had mental problems, and used violence as a means of education. Violence is usually considered the main cause of everything that happens in the family of a codependent. The violence that makes up this layer of the iceberg underlies distorted personal relationships and the visible symptoms of codependency. There is also a middle underwater floor - this is an unsatisfied need for love, which is inherent in us almost as much as the need to breathe clean air. She does not need substitutes for love - she demands satisfaction. A person with a fundamentally unsatisfied need for love lives, as it were, halfway - he is constantly looking for another person who can compensate for what he lacks. This half-heartedness, “inferiority,” lies at the root of many tragic marital problems. Let's talk about the stages of formation of codependency. Experts distinguish 5 stages of codependent relationships, in which the disease develops in stages with periods of exacerbations and remissions: The first stage is characterized by Concern. A person periodically becomes wary when he realizes that his loved one has started taking illegal substances. At the same time, he tries to find a justification for such behavior. For example, he assures that the patient was simply led astray by bad company. A dependent person skillfully manipulates a codependent person, promising to soon quit the addiction. Relatives believe him and, under the influence of illusions, give the addict their last money. At the same time, their sense of guilt worsens and their tolerance to negative emotions increases. The second stage is related to Self-Defense. This stage is characterized by increased responsibility for the patient and constant monitoring of him. Illusions about a speedy recovery develop, because... there is a large flow of negativity. The codependent begins to control every step of the drug addict or alcoholic, because he is confident that he can change the situation. Attempts are made to convince the patient of the need to seek medical help. The stage can last several years. Control from relatives does not produce any results. The most suspicious individuals.