From the author: I really want to have simple and unambiguous answers to questions about what is right and what is wrong. And if in arithmetic you can check the answers at the end of the textbook, then in life it doesn’t work out that way. And if we try to fit our own feelings into the concept of correctness, life ceases to be real. The concept of blood feud, the history of the Montague and Capulet clans, anger at my offender friend or mistress of my friend’s husband, resentment towards dad because he offended mom (or vice versa) - all these are familiar examples of borrowed feelings. In all the above stories, the attitude towards the situation or person and the feelings that you experience most likely do not belong to to you. They "came to you" from someone else. It was he who felt anger, indignation, resentment - and you accepted his feelings as your own, made them yours. And everything would have been fine... Only now you are suffering from something... The mistress turned out to be a completely pleasant aunt. And you love dad, you feel good with him. But it is not appropriate to feel something like that towards someone you hate. An internal split occurs, fierce battles are waged - and you do not always understand why your soul hurts so much, what is tearing you apart so much. And you constantly have to look for confirmation for yourself - what is bad about these people or situations. Remind myself why I should hate, be offended, be angry, despise. It’s like reminding yourself of the “truth” every day, pulling yourself back. Or, perhaps, everything described goes by in the background, not particularly noticeable to you. Because you’re so used to it, you haven’t tried it any other way. Only you live in a world where there is no place for trust, where you cannot even imagine that someone will really need you. This torments no less. Why, why does this happen? Globally, these are the historical circumstances of the formation of a person as an individual, the personal choices of a person on the path of life. This is a family and its scenarios, these are fears and attitudes that are not questioned by reason, these are experience and instilled truths. And, of course, this is about our personal boundaries. But I want to outline the most specific prerequisites and reasons for the appearance of borrowed feelings. Strongly developed feelings of duty and obligation. Of course, they manifest themselves in relation to the most significant people. To those on whose opinion, condition, mood we depend. Or it seems to us that we are dependent. Fear of hurting, harming, offending. The constant need to correlate one’s own thoughts, actions, feelings, impulses with someone, with someone’s attitude. Living in “exceeding the authority of responsibility” - someone else’s lives, someone else’s decisions depend on me. Heavy load. You don’t have the opportunity to really decide anything in someone else’s life, but you bear responsibility. The feeling of yourself as less important and significant than the other. Everything is here: my feelings, thoughts, actions, decisions, and tasks. The inability to understand on my own whether I’m doing good or bad, whether I can think like this or not - again, the constant need to look for someone who will give an assessment. Someone important, significant, close. Fear of being rejected. Because I myself don’t represent anything worthwhile or I can’t approve of my own aspirations, support myself, for life I need someone who will do this for me. Quite real and tangible pressure from significant people. Misunderstanding, unwillingness to accept your feelings. Starting with a simple “Well, how can you not understand, it’s so delicious!”, ending with “How can you communicate with him? He’s so kind..” or even better, “You know how offended dad is with him! We’re with him.” We don’t communicate.” As a result, two feelings will always fight in me towards the one on whose opinion I am so dependent. Love, appreciation or just warmth conflicts with hostility, the feeling of being limited, locked in, resentment, even hatred. Is there a way out? There is always a way out, the main thing is to really want to find it and be ready to make the necessary effort to unlock the door. She won’t give in right away; it will definitely not be an easy process. For.