From the author: Before you start reading the article, I suggest you answer the following questions:Are you afraid of causing negative emotions in people around you?Do you do a lot of things that you don’t want to do, but in order to deserve approval of others, praise, so as not to cause indignation and resentment on the part of others? If you found something to answer these questions, if the questions are positive, then this article is for you. “...It’s not that people consider love to be an unimportant matter. They crave it, they watch countless films about happy and unhappy love stories, they listen to hundreds of stupid love songs, but hardly anyone really thinks that there is any need to learn love ... ". E. Fromm “The Art of Loving” “...Dislike of oneself “is a disease that spans many generations: it is transmitted from one generation to another, it is inherited by each subsequent generation from the previous one...”. E. McAvoy, S. Israelson “Marilyn Monroe Syndrome” Before you start reading the article, I propose to answer the following questions: Are you afraid of causing negative emotions of people around you? Do you do a lot of things that you don’t want to do, but in order to earn the approval of others, praise, so as not to cause indignation and resentment on the part of others? If you found something to answer these questions, if the questions are positive, then this article is for you. Any scenario is based on the relationship between parents and child. And above all, on the love of parents for their children. What is love? Let us recall from E. Fromm “Love is a true interest in the life and development of the object of love.” Actually, this is unconditional love, unconditional acceptance of another person as a full-fledged being. Love for a person simply because he is, without criticism, humiliation, lies and manipulation. But, unfortunately, such love can be seen quite rarely. And then we are talking about conditional love, love for something. Love that must be earned. Parents who choose this form of love do so because: This is how their parents loved them. And they don’t know any other way; Child control mechanism. This need especially arises when a child begins to crawl, walk, climb everywhere, throw everything away, beat, break and tear. This brings a lot of problems. And then the parents set him the condition: “If you behave this way, I won’t need you like that,” “If you do this or don’t do this, you are somehow different.” For a child, parents under 7 years old are everything, this their world, this is their idea of ​​themselves and the world, this is their life. The child must receive satisfaction of his needs: For food and water For protection, warmth and cleanliness In recognition Without receiving satisfaction of these needs, there is a fear of destruction. There is anxiety and strong tension, which the child tries to overcome by satisfying the needs of the parents. Since they do not satisfy the child’s needs for the simple reason that some of their needs are also not satisfied. The consequences of this are varied. But in the end, a list of “shoulds” is formed, by implementing which the child deserves love. No other way. Everyone has their own list. This includes matching appearance, standard of living (what kind of car, apartment, job), etc. We carry this list with us all our lives. And if we correspond, then we feel worthy of love, and if not, then why can we be loved? An image of an ideal self is formed. Types of conditional love: Explicit rejection. “I hate this child. I won’t take care of him.” Such parents behave inattentively, cruelly and avoid contact with the child. They perceive him as bad, unlucky, unadapted. Feels resentment, anger, irritation towards him. Often, children with such an upbringing become aggressive, go into the criminal world, or, on the contrary, become compassionate, submissive, “going out of their way to somehow earn love.” Excessive demandingness. “I don’t want a child the way he is.” Parents criticize, do not praise, find fault, demand obedience anddiscipline, social success. Manifestation of self-will is punished. Children become frustrated, become unsure of themselves, and in adulthood they again strive to win love for something. Excessive guardianship. “I will do everything for the child, I will devote myself to him,” “He cannot cope without me.” Excessive indulgences or restrictions on freedom, concern for the child, protection from independent decision-making, independent execution of actions. A kind of disability of the child. In essence, the child is treated as inferior, unable to do anything. As a result, difficulties arise in making decisions and the desire to shift one’s work to someone else, infantilism. In adulthood, our boss, our spouse replace the maternal object. Without receiving unconditional love, we strive to play out our relationship with our mother in relationships that are significant to us, trying in every possible way to win love. The feelings and relationships that arise between us and significant figures are, by and large, a replay of our childhood relationship with our mother. All experiences associated with a boss or a loved one have nothing directly to do with them. These experiences are primarily addressed to our significant figures from childhood. How the list of “shoulds” influence our lives. What unpleasant feelings does it cause you to experience? The influence of this list is very well described in the “Marilyn Monroe” syndrome. From her biography - her father ran away, her mother was ill. Marilyn grew up in an orphanage... She was one of the most desirable, beautiful women, whose image is still praised today. But nevertheless, the lack of love from her parents, the feeling of abandonment, uselessness led to the fact that she was constantly haunted by a feeling of guilt, anxiety, and the feeling that she was ugly. She got married three times and chose exactly those men who didn’t really need her as a person, who humiliated her and used her for their own purposes. Thus, losing her scenario, her relationship with her parents, who once also no longer needed her. Others don’t need me as I am. If I am not loved, all feelings are directed against myself. Feelings of anger. How is it that I don’t correspond. Anger and aggression about appearance can manifest itself in a constant desire to undergo plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, and scarring. Aggression, which is scary to show on others because of the fear of being rejected, goes inside and finds resolution in various sores. Guilt. This is sometimes called delusions of grandeur. A person believes that what happens outside and with him is 100% dependent on him. And when something does not correspond, one begins to blame only oneself. That's delusions of grandeur. “You are not God, so that everything is under your control.” In order to save himself from this unbearable, oppressive feeling of guilt, he begins to make excuses to others, to prove that he is better than they thought of me, that he is worthy of love and respect. But people, by and large, don’t care whether you walk upside down or not. Their attitude towards you depends only on themselves. And we must give them the right to treat us the way they want. A constantly present, evenly distributed feeling of anxiety. Anxiety that I will do something wrong, I will make a mistake, I will do something bad, I won’t be able to please everyone, I won’t be able to please everyone. Everyone, but not yourself. After all, it doesn’t matter how I think or what I want, the main thing is that everyone is happy and loves me. This feeling of not fully conforming often leads to the fact that I would rather do nothing than do something bad and thereby cause a wave of discontent. All this hits self-esteem very hard. Our self-esteem turns into the assessment of others, into the desire to meet expectations, real or imagined by us. I spend a colossal amount of energy on proving that I am better, on satisfying other people's needs. And there is absolutely no strength left to realize your destiny, your desires. What we really need is put aside in a distant drawer, to be opened only after I achieve love. And it remains there for years. If you do this, ask yourself: Why are you.