From the author: Everyday example. From customer stories. The situation of communication between a young man and his girlfriend. (I apologize to the male readers, since the story was told by a girl, so her vision of the situation is described in more detail). She says that she is going to come visit him on the weekend and expects to spend the evening together. And he replies that he won’t be able to on the next weekend, since he’s going to go on a tourist trip at that time. She is shocked and upset, since they have not met for several weekends due to his busyness. Note: This is just about the merger on her part. She is a priori sure that he thinks the same way as she does; that he sees the situation the same way as she does, that her situation is his situation. She wants to meet, and he must want to meet. Merger is not contact, but this is where, as the masters of psychotherapy say, each cycle of contact begins - the undifferentiation of oneself and the other. The young man breaks the merger, indicating the difference between his plans and his situation. A fusion rupture usually causes negative emotions. She becomes silent and looks sad. He is surprised, because just yesterday she, talking about her plans, said that she would be busy on the weekend and most likely would not be able to come. So he bought a ticket so as not to be bored. He tells her: “Don’t be sad.” Note: his words can be regarded as an attempt to return the merger, to pretend that everything is fine, to ignore a small incident. She does not hide how sharply her mood has deteriorated. He continues to remain silent and thinks that if he behaves like this, then perhaps he doesn’t need her. Perhaps he has another girlfriend altogether, maybe he is going on a trip with her, otherwise why would he want to drag himself to see another city after they have not seen each other for so long. She is wondering whether she should talk to him or just leave. Note: And here the girl is engaged in “projection” - she comes up with reasons for his behavior for someone else. Projection is a necessary step, part of the contact cycle that facilitates orientation. But provided that assumptions (projections) are then verified in direct contact with the interlocutor. The young man asks: “Well, say something.” He feels uncomfortable when she is in a bad mood. She fulfills his request and tries to explain her reaction: “You already spent the last two weekends going about your business. I miss you. We could take this trip together on another weekend. Unless, of course, you are traveling alone.” He replies: “I am traveling alone.” He is interested in her idea of ​​going together later. He asks her what she would like to see in another city. She says she doesn't care, she just can go with him. Finally he says, “I just wanted to walk around the city by myself.” She: “I would have said that right away.” He: “That’s what I said.” She: “Can’t you take a walk around the city one other time? Weren’t you alone enough last weekend and the weekend before last?” He: “There won’t be another time soon. Last weekend I was not alone, I had to communicate a lot on business.” The girl remained upset that they would not see each other this coming weekend, but she stopped giving it such a meaning that the young man did not want to see her and he did not need her . She was able to respect his need for solitude. The young man met her desire, with the fact that important habits for him can cause her pain, perhaps in the future he will be able to treat such situations more carefully or realize compensation for this situation on another weekend . What about contact in this situation? And why did we describe it so long and in detail? The young man and the girl shared their sincere feelings and heard (accepted) the feelings of the other. We shared ourselves regarding a specific situation. She honestly admitted that she missed him. And he honestly admitted that he needed solitude. An obvious discrepancy. And they both took risks by presenting their secret. She may have feared being seen as too clingy or…