From the author: Everything I write about is the result of reflecting on personal and therapeutic experience. All articles and notes are original. Share them with your friends. In addition to the fact that it is pleasant, each of the texts I write may unexpectedly turn out to be useful for someone else whom you would not even think about. Where do you think relationships really begin? No, not from the meeting of “two halves.” Relationships begin within each individual person, and then these people meet. A meeting is already a continuation of the relationship. Now I will try to explain why this is so. In Gestalt therapy there is such a concept as the “Cycle of Contact”. It happens all the time and to everyone, since through this process we interact with the environment and satisfy our needs. So, for example, if I feel hungry, then I go looking for food, find it, rejoice, eat, enjoy it, digest it. Everything is in exactly that order. If everything went smoothly, then I am full and satisfied. If at some stage I “stumbled” (in psychology this is called “breaking contact”), then I walk around angry and hungry. The contact cycle has its own dynamics and consists of several stages, each of which is important, but can be interrupted. Now I’ll do a complicated thing - I’ll write about both the contact cycle and relationships at the same time. PHASE No. 1. Pre-contact. A state of vague languor, some bodily discomfort, uncertainty - this is how a need is formed, emerging like a hedgehog from the fog. The better we are at listening to ourselves, the better this stage goes. The result is clear knowledge about “what I want now” and energy appears to obtain what will satisfy the need. The course of the relationship will depend on what need forms the basis of the relationship. And the quality of the relationship will depend on how conscious this need is. The range of needs at this stage is large. The healthy option is the need for intimacy. Not in sex and not in merging, but precisely in Intimacy (I will write about this separately). "I like my life. I am calm, happy, I know how and in what I can realize myself. And I would like another person like him with whom I could share my life.” The need for security, to maintain self-esteem, to merge, sexual attraction, boredom, the desire to “plug a hole in the heart” or “warm up” after past failures - also lead to relationships. INTERRUPTIONS AT THIS STAGE LEAD TO EITHER LONELINESS OR UNSUCCESSFUL AND TRAUMATIC RELATIONSHIPS. They can be the following: - Lack of boundaries between yourself and the outside world. When it’s not clear whether a relationship is my need or my mother’s, or because “it’s about time”? - Failure to assess the quality of the environment. From time to time, girls of incredible beauty and abilities come to me, who, by the will of fate, grew up in an uncultured environment. For these beautiful creatures, the most painful question is: “What’s wrong with me, why is everyone around in pairs, and I’m alone?” That's not what's wrong with them. It's just not the right environment to find a partner. Where they are trying to find a husband, it is customary to drink beer from a glass and a half and talk obscenely. All this causes deep disgust. These girls talk incredibly interestingly about Schiller, cook amazing pies, read books voraciously, can discuss history and philosophy for hours, and know how to simply be faithful and calm. Only this is appreciated in a different environment, not on a spit-stained bench at the entrance. - Lack of skill in understanding one's own needs. In this case, the person simply does not hear himself. He is constantly bored and has a lot of dissatisfaction in life. “I either want music and flowers, or I want to stab someone.” Such people do not choose relationships, they rather agree to them, and then get involved in them and disentangle the results. In general, if you suddenly have a wonderful thought about creating a relationship, ask yourself – why? If for intimacy, look for a partner who is suitable in intellectual, emotional, cultural and other parameters. Attention! Not a princeon a white horse/an overseas princess, but just like you. And if you don’t really like yourself, but dream of a prince, then maybe your need is not for a relationship, but for development, or you just want more money. Then it's a completely different story. If you don’t want a relationship, but sex, adventure, security, “hands-on”, etc., this can be arranged much easier without marrying a despot/without marrying a bitch. PHASE No. 2. Contacting. The energy at this stage increases and can be felt as tension. A person calculates options - how he can get what he needs. And then he goes and gets it. And all this is accompanied by noticeable emotions - interest, attraction, excitement, desire or irritation. IN THE CASE OF RELATIONSHIPS, THIS LOOKS LIKE THE FOLLOWING: A REALISTIC IMAGE OF YOURSELF, YOUR PARTNER AND THE RELATIONSHIP IS FORMULATED. THE SEARCH PROCESS BEGINS. There is an interest in articles and films about relationships, and there is energy to visit places where people meet their level. A person is actively interested in other people, communicates, collects information, checks, explores others. This is a very stressful period. There's a lot of energy. The need wants to be fulfilled. Interruptions at this stage can be as follows: - Thoughts about “you can’t do this.” It is indecent for a girl to be the first to show interest in a man. You cannot ask a person about his life. You can’t just talk to a person; once you go on a date, that’s it – there’s no turning back. Various stereotypes and introjects about relationships, and who owes what to whom, are crawling out of the nooks and crannies of the unconscious. -Projections. This is when they attribute their own or someone else’s qualities or feelings to another. - Decreased self-esteem or self-flagellation if a person remains at this stage for a long time (for example, looking for a suitable partner for a long time). PHASE #3 Final Contact The person finally finds a suitable object to satisfy the need. This is a very emotional phase. If the two previous phases were without interruption, then here there is a lot of joy from meeting and a lot of pleasure from satisfying a need. With regard to relationships, a PERSON FINALLY FINDS A MATE FOR HIMSELF, “MEETS HIS PERSON.” People call this “falling in love.” That’s what they say – “this is my soul mate.” The voltage from the previous phase disappears. Bright feelings, joy, lightness, satisfaction appear. The man is happy. The most common interruption in this phase is when SHAME appears about how exactly a person shows his feelings and accepts the feelings of another. The thought arises that “somehow I’m building relationships wrong, but I don’t know how to do it any other way.” PROXIMITY IS NOT A SIMPLE THING AT ALL. It requires attentiveness to oneself and careful approach to the Other. What I'm talking about here is not physical contact, but the moment when you show yourself as you are and the other does the same. And you touch with your “authenticities”. Honestly, I don't know how to describe this experience. It's just some kind of miracle. Sometimes lovers say “I can be with him as I am.” This is part of intimacy. The experience of intimacy can be destroyed or not achieved at all because of the idea that THERE ARE SPECIAL RULES ON HOW TO LOVE AND START A RELATIONSHIP. A lot of books have been written about this - how to seduce and please, how to quickly get married, how to get into bed, how to talk to a man/woman so that he/she... In short, all this ultimately leads to the fact that your voice, feelings , emotions fade into the background, and anxiety and shame come to the fore. And then it is completely impossible to enjoy the satiation of that very intimacy for the sake of which everything was started. PHASE No. 4. Post-contact. If we use a food metaphor, then this is exactly the phase when you are full, digest the yummy food, and don’t want it anymore. And the yummy food inside you breaks down into proteins, fats and carbohydrates. Some of it will be integrated into your metabolism, and some will leave the body. That is, the need is satisfied. The tension and excitement that we observed in the first phase drops. What previously seemed like this