For several years now, in the “Psychology 21” section, we have been publishing consultations with psychologist and psychoanalyst Ekaterina Antonova. What topics and problems have we discussed during this time? And raising children in single-parent families, and strategies for dealing with divorces, and how not to become codependent with an alcoholic or drug addict, and how to deal with a child’s excessive passion for the computer, and much more. Frankly, I was surprised when Ekaterina Andreevna suggested me a topic for another conversation: “Why go to a psychologist?” Maybe this is where we should start our series of publications? — I think that the time for this topic has come now, when our audience has already become sufficiently prepared, but it may still have certain questions and doubts. So we will try to answer these supposed questions and dispel possible doubts. — Tell me, has anything changed in your professional practice during this time? - Yes, you know, the number of requests has increased significantly. That is, people have already begun to understand that in some situations professional help is simply necessary. Why is it often so difficult to cope with mental problems on your own? Yes, because at some level it becomes very painful and psychological defense is triggered: that’s it, I don’t want to know anything further. But still, many still have the feeling that mental and personal problems can be solved, if not on their own, then with the help of friends and relatives. If a tooth hurts, we go to the dentist; if we have a sore throat or pneumonia, we take medications prescribed by the doctor. As for scandals with your husband, quarrels with your boss, or internal loneliness, all this is brought up for a kitchen discussion with a friend or mother. - But such gatherings sometimes bring relief... - How can I say... If a friend or mother has her own negative experience of relationships with men, then what will be their reaction? That’s right, “all men are assholes.” And a young woman can console herself with this thought, not by solving the problem, but by driving it deep inside. Subsequently, her relationships with the opposite sex will definitely not work out, you can be sure. Or imagine a mother who raised her son alone and now considers all girls unworthy of him. What happens if a son quarrels with his fiancee and tells his mother about it? Yes, she will immediately begin to convince him that he was mistaken in his choice. - Well, yes, in such cases we try to feel sorry for the person, tell him what he wants to hear, “stroke the fur”, hushing up the truth that the person does not want to know about himself... - Moreover, there is also a benefit, sometimes unconscious: to feel significant or to solve some of your problems. I’m not saying that a psychologist will “cut the truth right out of the gate,” since few people are ready to accept it right away. The task of a psychologist is not to feel sorry, but to empathize. There is gradual, gentle work aimed at making a person come to the realization that he himself is responsible for what happens in his life, for the emotions that he experiences. This sense of personal responsibility for one’s life makes a person free, gives him the confidence that his happiness depends only on him. “It seems to me that there is also a special problem for parents who are convinced that no one knows better than them how to properly raise their children, how to find an approach to them. And this confidence also prevents you from turning to a psychologist. “I have already said many times that if a child has problems, then we need to work with the whole family. Here’s an example: a mother deals with the fact that her daughter constantly lies. During therapy, it turns out that this woman promised to cut her daughter’s hair if she gets a C in math. Tell me, is it possible to tell such a mother the truth? But when I tried to talk to her about it, I heard a phrase addressed to my daughter: “If this snot dares again...” That’s all for you. What kind of therapy can we talk about in this case? God grant that the girl somehow adapts to such a situation. If I am not heard or perceived, II refuse therapy with my child. So, when it comes to children's problems, I talk to parents directly enough so that they immediately understand: the cause of all children's problems lies in them, in their behavior, in their relationships. It makes no sense to “hand over” a child to a psychologist like a damaged toy to be repaired. — What children’s problems do people most often come to you with? - With different ones. Often the whole point is simply a crisis of age, which must be helped to pass as painlessly as possible. Well, a three-year-old child is capricious, but who has a three-year-old child who hasn’t been capricious? Well, a boy at eleven years old doesn’t obey, but who obeys? Here it is enough to tell parents how to behave correctly. Sometimes frightened mothers come: the child is two years old, but he does not pee on the potty, he probably has enuresis! In this case, we need to work with the mother’s anxiety: where does she get these fears from, why can’t she calmly wait until the baby grows up and starts asking? And there are also serious problems associated with the child’s psychosomatics: the same real enuresis, stuttering, asthma, allergies. But you still need to understand intra-family relationships. This, of course, is much longer and more painstaking work. There are, however, one-time consultations when, for example, a woman is getting married again and comes for advice on how best to introduce her child to her future husband. — What, in your opinion, stops people from turning to a psychologist? — Often these are fears. One of the very common ones is: “What will friends say if they find out?” There is still an erroneous association between the professions of psychologist and psychiatrist, like “I’m not crazy enough to see a psychologist.” Men still have this moment of false modesty: “Why can’t I cope with my problems myself?!” Another fear may arise already in the process of therapy, when a person realizes that he actually has many problems and gets scared: “What should I do now, go to a psychologist all my life?” Personally, I can say that the last thing I want is to become a lifelong crutch for someone. The point is not that after the next consultation the client once again feels better. The goal of a psychologist or psychoanalyst is to teach a person introspection and self-knowledge, to teach him to independently solve his problems and overcome emotional crises. We are walking along this path together, and at some point I begin to say: “But you can handle this yourself.” And over time, such situations become more and more numerous, and then the person simply goes on an “independent voyage.” I am not a sedative that you can get hooked on; I am the resource that a person simply lacks at first. When he develops his resource, we part as good friends, with mutual satisfaction. — People go to a psychologist with troubles, problems, sometimes even with grief. You talked about compassion, about empathy, but how can you not collapse in such a profession, empathizing with everyone who comes for help? “That’s why “lifelong” therapy is needed by the psychologist himself, the psychoanalyst. I have no right to collapse under the weight of other people’s problems; my empathy must be constructive. I’m not a “vest” for tears, I’m not a guru, I’m rather a guide helping to overcome a difficult part of life. God forbid you meet a would-be professional who, together with the client, begins to cry and tear out his hair. What resource, what confidence, what strength can he give to those who turn to him? — Many people think that everything in a psychologist’s life should be perfect. But a psychologist, a psychoanalyst is a living person. He may also have his own family problems. And what to do then? People look and, for example, say: “Well, he got divorced himself, and he’s teaching me to save the marriage.” Or: “Look, he’s teaching me how to raise children, but my son is a poor student.” - And a psychologist should not be an ideal, since an ideal is already some kind of standard that prevents a person from remaining himself. Yes, I was faced with the fact that clients were offended at me even because I was about to give birth and go on maternity leave. They say.