I propose today to think about why we choose as partners people who are the young version of our parents. Let me start with the fact that most of us may not even know about it. And when someone points this out, we are surprised and exclaim: “Oh no! What are you talking about! He has a different nose and body, and in general, they are not alike.” And that's okay. Because no one will voluntarily agree to link their life with a copy of their parent. But when it’s “really necessary,” then unconscious mechanisms come into play, which don’t really ask us for permission, and decide everything themselves. So, when does this “must” arise? Let's figure it out. I have two thoughts on this matter: Thought one As we know, so we build. The only well-known option is our parental family, in which we grew up and absorbed its model with our mother’s milk. We know what kind of mom, what kind of dad, what kind of relationships they have, their characteristics, their behavior. And here we not only look at all this, but also receive certain messages from parents. Which sometimes are not even expressed in words, but are clearly demonstrated by behavior. An example for clarity: The father is a tyrant, who seems to love his wife and daughter, but somewhere deep in his soul. The mother tolerates all the antics and says nothing. She herself does not dare to be angry with him, and does not let her child. What message is she demonstrating in this case? “A woman must endure; hitting means loving.” And he also reinforces this with words like: “No, you can’t be angry with dad, he’s right, and you should be silent.” The girl has been watching for years, dreaming of breaking out of the house and getting rid of this creepy man. But the messages are sitting inside. And she, without suspecting it, is guided by them. He chooses a guy who is similar to his father, who also gets on his nerves and mocks him. The same story happens with divorces. When my mother got divorced, and my grandmother before her. And now the daughter marries a man who then leaves her. Because from my mother I inherited a subconscious message like: “All men are unreliable, he will leave you anyway.” Such messages can be inherited and reproduced over generations. Some call it evil fate, others call it a curse. For us psychologists, everything here is prosaic and scientific to the point of boredom. This is called the generic script. Thought two If we talk about women, then everyone knows situations when girls choose “daddies” as husbands, expecting paternal care, compensating for the lack of care from their own father. Such situations occur quite often and indicate a mixture of contexts. When one partner is a child in relation to the other. And then normal relationships become impossible. You can get out of this, but you will have to do a lot of internal work to understand your needs. Understand what you want from a relationship, who you see in your partner, what you expect from him, what you need. Understand that you are equal and give the parental part to your parents. If it is important for you to be happy in your relationship, learn to be aware of YOUR needs and desires for your partner. Move away from the way you are used to, forget what you were told and think about what your partner should be like for you to be happy with him. Rely on this. You can sign up for my Online consultation by writing to me personally, WhatsApp, Viber, SMS at the number +7-921-304-17-34