From the author: An article about how to build a comfortable relationship with your parents. Different parents. If our parents don’t have time to change... I come to my mother. She is old and unhappy. Looks older than his age. Dull look. The corners of the lips drooped. Talk only about difficulties, about problems, about a small pension. About the fact that her husband left her, died... when did she... get tired of living... I look at her and I feel sorry for her. This pity is written on my face. I’m probably a reflection of her: the corners of my lips are down, my shoulders are drooping, my back is hunched...tears in my eyes. And now we are already a couple! We increase unhappiness and hopelessness. When I leave, it’s painful for me. And how does my mother feel? Next time I go to her, in advance with a spoiled mood. I don’t have the strength to go to her - I’m doing my duty. Mom feels this and her grief grows. It's getting harder and harder for us to meet. Resentment and guilt are intertwined in a vicious circle, finding no way out. And again she begins to remember how everyone offended her... and dad... and parents... and me. Mom hopes for my support, attracts my attention with a complaint - in a way that takes away my energy. She wants love. But I don’t understand it, I don’t see it. I'm dumb. I myself am looking for love and attention from my mother. I forget that mommy needs more than me. And suddenly! Chance helped, as always unexpectedly, as often happens. A client came to a consultation with a similar problem. Our requests coincided, but I was in a different stage - I was already in the final stage at a fork in the road - either an explosion (sharp deterioration of the situation) - or an insight, since I was worried about the question “how to help my mother.” My client was in the initial stage - stage "how to help yourself." Precisely because she lingered on her personal problems, she was not yet able to take the position of her parent. That’s why we “danced” with her, working in parallel with our relationships with mothers under the conditions: - the client has no idea about my difficulties - at first I myself change my attitudes and methods of action - almost in parallel (but still, after my testing) - the same recommendations were given to the client - the client implements the recommendations in the same way as I do - practice confirms positive dynamics in both cases - perhaps both cases with positive dynamics can be accepted as a stable system. Thus, my new ways of interacting with my mother were as follows: Accepting my mother as she is. With all the whims. 2. I hug her. She pushes away. She says that she doesn’t love her, she’s hot, why all this tenderness, she’s not used to it... and in general. ...- I continue to hug – I say that I “miss you so much!” – I say that “I hug not for her sake, but for myself...” – that “I miss her...” – I hug, hug, hug.. – she already doesn’t resist - she has mercy - she’ll tolerate my hugs a little - since I want - hug her 3. I look at her and “see her young.” I ask - mom, tell me how you and dad met - how you were dressed - about school – about fashion – how they looked at you.. 4. The corners of mom’s lips rise. I stroke her hand and listen. She talks without stopping. Remembering more and more details from my past young happy life. Her eyes light up. She even allowed herself to laugh, remembering how I, a fat 3-year-old girl, made me ride on her shoulders... Her back is gradually straightening... 5. I am filled with calmness and feel the warmth of my parents' hearth. I don't want to leave. 6. I leave with a forgotten feeling of satisfaction. 7. I tell her “Mommy, I love you.” I then continue the new modus operandi by visiting my mother three times a week for a month and a half. But “business affairs” do not allow me to come to my mother. Suddenly she calls herself, and for an hour she tells me about what a little hooligan and beauty I was, what kind of dresses she bought me. She talks and talks... I completely forgot to lament and suffer. I'm glad! One day I get into trouble. My heart is heavy. I leave work all in my thoughts. And my feet carry me to my mother’s house..