From the author: Published in the magazine "Happy Family", 2009 Living in a family is difficult. This is an axiom for many who have had the opportunity to compare an independent and independent life, when you do not have to answer to anyone, with a life when you are connected to other people, dependent on them - or they depend on you. Life in a family is always associated with sacrifices - you sacrifice time, desires, freedom. All this is natural and normal - when we receive something, we must pay for it. Our sacrifices pay off with a feeling of need, inclusion, and the love of loved ones. But sometimes there are too many of these victims - so many that a person does not know whether he will ever be able to pay for them. Larisa has always dreamed of a happy life. Hard work in the village: own farming, weeding, hilling - this is how she remembers her childhood. I tried my best to get into the city. She graduated from technical school, entered college, and got married. The husband also came from the village, was not afraid of any work - after graduating from university, he worked in construction. The young people settled in a hostel. Two years later a son appeared. The family lived together and waited in line for an apartment. But a person assumes, and life sets its own accents. Larisa’s life turned upside down at the moment when she was called to duty at the hostel and a male voice on the phone reported the terrible news: “Your husband is dead.” Larisa still doesn’t understand how she managed to survive. She went through all the circles of hell - despite the fact that it was an industrial accident, they tried to “hush it up.” Larisa and her two-year-old son were evicted from the hostel and tried to be taken off the waiting list. She encountered such a degree of human indifference and callousness that would have been enough for several lifetimes. But she survived - and paid a high price for it. Larisa has lost trust in people. She devoted herself entirely to her son, little Yegor, who was like two peas in a pod like his late father. Larisa ran home from work. Music school, sports, studies - Yegor had it all. Larisa never rested - in the summer she worked part-time in pioneer camps in the south, where she went with her son. Yegor became the meaning of life for her, and it seemed to her that it would always be this way. But time passed, Yegor grew up, graduated from school and decided to enter a university in another city. According to Larisa, he began to move away from his mother even earlier - when he did not want to answer her detailed questions about things at school, about conversations with friends. Larisa was offended and accused her son of callousness and soullessness. However, the first time Larisa really faced the fact that she was left alone was when Yegor took the documents to the university. For her, this separation turned out to be unbearable. When Yegor returned two days later, she seriously started talking about exchanging housing and moving with her son. Yegor convinced his mother that this was completely unnecessary - here she had a high social status, a prestigious job, but in the capital she had no one and nothing. He asked his mother to let him go and assured him that everything would be fine. Indeed, everything turned out well - Yegor entered the full-time department, he was given a hostel. But Larisa began complex actions to exchange the apartment with an additional payment. She moved in with her son a year later. And then Larisa was faced with the fact that her son did not want to leave the hostel and move into his mother’s apartment. Disputes and quarrels began. Larisa accused her son of ingratitude. Heavy artillery was put forward as arguments: “I sacrificed everything for you,” “I could have arranged my life, but I didn’t want you to have a stepfather,” “I gave you everything,” “I lost my job because of you.” . Egor turned out to be adamant. He repeated to Larisa that he loved her very much, but he had already grown up, worked part-time and wanted to live on his own. Larisa couldn't survive it. Depression, a suicide attempt - and Yegor returned home. Now their relationship has become strained, and Yegor increasingly answers his mother with anger: “I didn’t ask you for anything.” Larisa is a person who has all the attributes of the Mother Teresa complex. Usually it can be identified by the following symptoms:• the desire to help, save, take care of people, even when they are notask for help;• the inability to mind one’s own affairs if something is wrong with a significant loved one;• constant issuing of advice on various occasions, even when no one asks, accompanied by a feeling of resentment in cases where this advice is not followed;• trying everything time to be close to loved ones - “drag” girlfriends and friends to your work, not to part with children, parents, often call or write to them; • all the time delve into the smallest details of the lives of significant people, ask, clarify, find out everything about your loved ones; • experiencing a feeling of guilt if a significant person has problems that are difficult or impossible to resolve; • a feeling of loss, uselessness, abandonment, when people refuse to let “Mother Teresa” into their own lives, into their personal space, do not accept care and sacrifices. Reasons The origins of the Mother Teresa complex can be very different. Sometimes, as in the case of Larisa, a person does to others what he himself would like to receive from them. Faced with callousness and indifference, Larisa became overly attentive and caring towards her son. Such people seem to demonstrate with all their behavior: I need support, and if everyone acts as I do, the world will become a better place, and I will get what I need. Other people try to control others through despotic, dictatorial behavior, all the time “being present” in the lives of loved ones, colleagues, and subordinates. Still others are truly altruistic and ready to selflessly give themselves to other people - the most rare option, like Mother Teresa herself, the real person who gave the complex its name. But what if you live in a family with “Mother Teresa”? The first thing is to have compassion for yourself. Mother Teresa is good only in the early stages of a baby’s development, when he really needs total care and guardianship. But what if you have already grown up, and your mother behaves with you as if you were an unintelligent baby? Victor is already over forty, but he still lives with his parents. A “loving” mother controls both her son and father. Several attempts by Victor to get married did not lead to anything - each time his caring mother explained why this girl was not suitable for her son. Mom’s words are significant for any person, and Victor is an obedient son. His mother often tells him a story about how, while giving birth to him, she experienced clinical death and miraculously came to her senses. Victor was often sick as an infant; one day doctors prescribed him the wrong treatment, and if not for his mother’s vigilance, he would not have survived. Victor learned the message from his mother: “You owe me your life, and therefore I have the right to your life” at the subcortical level. And when his friends ask him: “When are you getting married,” he sincerely answers, not realizing the sea of ​​aggression that is spilled in his words: “When mom dies.” This “Mother Teresa” has become an aggressive controller, and the son does not realize that his anger towards his mother is manifested in unconscious fantasies about her death. Sometimes the energy of “Mother Teresa” is directed not at family members, but at the outside world. But this is also a rather complicated and unpleasant option. So, Allochka has been married for five years. She and her husband have no children, because Allochka has not yet married off all her friends. She suffers because she has a good marriage with her husband, but her unhappy friends still cannot meet a life partner. A husband who works in an IT company is forced to constantly bring his single friends to visit in order to meet his wife’s friends. The friends, two capricious young ladies, ready to throw in their lot only with the prince of the blood, often borrow money from Allochka and rarely repay their debts. The husband argues, quarrels, gets offended - but melts in the huge eyes of his wife when she says with a breath: “Darling, well, I have you... You are so good... And they are lonely, they have no one...” Her friends know Allochka’s “fad” and shamelessly use it for their own purposes. They can stay “overnight” for a week, or borrow clothes or cosmetics forever. The family is suffering - the husband and Alla herself, whom everyone calls only by her diminutive name. Allah -the eldest sister in a family of four children. Since childhood, she was taught to share, help, care. Allochka recalls situations when, as a child, she wanted to play with a given toy, eat candy, or simply watch a program she liked - but could not afford it, because all this was considered complete selfishness and was eradicated at the moment of discovery. The doll, beautiful and elegant, given to her by her godmother, was broken by her brothers. Allochka couldn’t even cry - her mother forbade her, explaining that things are nothing, but close people are everything, and you need to think about them, and not about your pleasures. What was the norm of the family in relation to younger brothers and sisters - by the way, not unambiguous - should not become the norm in the relations of adults, independent people. Her husband literally took her “by the hand” to a psychologist and left, and Alla spent a long time making excuses, explaining how important it was for her that everything was fine with everyone around her. At the same time, the loss of oneself, one’s desires, ignoring one’s feelings is as natural for Allochka as the ability to swim is for a fish. I remember the character in the film “Office Romance” - an active employee who was burying the not yet dead Bublikov. This employee had a place of work, but public affairs prevented her from “visiting” her department. Thus, many “Mother Teresas” solve the problems of other people, not paying attention to those who are nearby and really need their help. Almost all of us have met teachers who actively educate other people’s children and forget about their own; psychologists who have warmth for their clients, but no strength left for their loved ones; employees who perfectly control themselves at work, but “growl” at home; journalists praising love and mercy and tyrannizing their own companion or child... What to do if you discover a Mother Teresa complex in yourself or a loved one? Perhaps the most important thing is to acknowledge its presence. After all, all complexes are protective in nature and allow us to “hide” our vulnerabilities. The dictator and the “controller”, the caring mother and the caring friend - they were all incredibly afraid of loneliness, exclusion from the lives of loved ones, they all needed warm, caring relationships. But, for various reasons, not being able to satisfy their needs, they developed a way of behavior that made it possible to protect the psyche from pain and turn experiences into actions. And instead of realizing fear, anger or resentment, “Mother Teresa” begins to act. Her child is in trouble - and she runs to help, even if the child already has grandchildren. Her loved ones are trying to build their lives - and she is trying to get involved and teach them how to do it right, causing anger and irritation. “Mother Teresa” is not ready to admit to herself the insane fear of loneliness, the feeling of uselessness in those moments when the world revolves without her participation. If you are ready to look into yourself - to look deeply, where you usually don’t have the energy and time to look - then try to answer yourself very honestly to the question: why am I doing all this? What do I get when I become "Mother Teresa"? And what do I want to get in return? And after that, talk to your loved ones and ask if they are ready to make such sacrifices. For example, is your daughter ready, because you took her to rhythmic gymnastics, fed and watered her, to listen to your instructions forever? Because you taught him in a paid department, is your son ready to marry only the girl you like or not to marry at all? Is your husband, whom you “saved” (from alcoholism, a bad campaign, his own mother, etc.) ready to listen to texts that humiliate him and elevate you every day? After all, people often forget that free cheese only comes in mousetraps, and that few people are truly, truly altruistic. But the majority wants something in return, and this “something” can turn out to be an unbearable burden. So, in some villages in Africa the following custom existed. A resident gave a treat to another village resident for some service. He, in turn, made a “response allaverdi” and arranged a richer».