From the author: This guide to action for family members of alcoholics was not written by me :) The summary is based on the work of G. Starshenbaum “Addictology: psychology and psychotherapy of addictions.” I know what an alcoholic family is, both from my own experience and from the experience of those around me. You also know this well, unfortunately. So far, alcoholism is at the level of a plague in the post-Soviet space. And it seems to me important and useful to publish a memo created by G. Starshenbaum, a specialist in addiction therapy, for those who are forced to suffer from the alcoholism of a loved one. Most likely, the memo is addressed to the partner of the addict, but it can also be used by his adult children, brothers, sisters - anyone who is unlucky enough...1. “If an alcoholic has rejected 3 or more pieces of advice, YOU ARE IN THE RESCUE WORK” (I would stick this on the computer monitor or some place that is constantly visible!). 2. “Do not take away the alcohol, do not pour it out or try to empty it hiding places, unless the alcoholic himself asks you to do so. And vice versa, never buy alcohol for an alcoholic, ... do not serve or offer him alcohol." (I can interpret this this way: in an alcoholic it is important to see an Adult. Not a Child from whom the “pacifier” is forcibly taken away or “tempted” to drink “a little bit at a time”... An Adult. Perhaps, such as no one has seen him before ...).3. “Do not engage in lengthy conversations about alcoholism and its problems when the person is drunk or drinking.” (Because it’s useless! And you’ll be wasting your energy).4. "Never lend money to someone who drinks." “Don’t run his errands, don’t do housework for him, don’t give him rides or deliver his shopping” (All this can be done in one case: only if he himself is struggling with an illness and asks you to help).5. “Don’t make the common mistake of saying, ‘He’s so wonderful when he’s sober.’ Even if he brings money into the family, he drinks a lot more of it.” (And you encourage alcoholism by this: it is unconsciously “convenient” for you to have him drink).6. "Feel free to express how his alcoholism makes you feel. Don't expect immediate change." (Because often alcoholism is a taboo topic, a “terrible secret” - no matter what is known to everyone. But it is not customary to talk about it. Silence makes it huge and “terrible”, especially if there are children in the family).7. “DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR AN ALCOHOLIC THAT IS CONTRADICTED TO YOUR WISHES” (Emphasis added). Because this will provoke Persecution: you are sacrificing yourself, aren't you? And for every Victim, sooner or later there will be a Persecutor. The addict himself evenly acts out the well-known triangle: “Victim - Aggressor - Savior” - primarily with alcohol. Alcohol for him is an object of “struggle”, and he fights it - by absorbing it (G. Starshenbaum: “... the addict feels the need to fight the object of his addiction. At the same time, abstinence looks like avoiding the fight and defeat, and binge drinking is a struggle, from which he emerges alive, and therefore a winner"). Becomes a Victim of Alcohol. And in it he seeks Salvation - for any problem (reason). By joining an alcoholic through the fulfillment of his desires, you also become involved in this “triangular” relationship and inevitably become a Victim of aggression. And then the Aggressor - when you activate “the next day” a feeling of guilt - intolerable for an alcoholic - because he himself knows that he is doing the wrong thing....8. “Never consider an alcoholic hopeless. But do exactly what you want, without taking on someone else's responsibility.” That's all you can do, for better or worse. The main thing is to draw a boundary, at least for yourself, between your life and the life of another, even a close and beloved one. Otherwise, you will inevitably become a victim of codependency, and this is no less destructive..