Nothing is born out of nowhere. And codependent relationships too. Relationship dependence and healthy attachment are two very different things. Dependency is the result of a traumatized attachment in which the other feels vitally necessary. This is the inability to turn away from it and look inside yourself. Dependency is a space without boundaries. In it, boundaries are felt as a danger, because they are about individual people, and separateness is scary. In healthy attachment, boundaries are what protect what is valuable within each person. Something that brings clarity, honesty, structure, and transparency to a space. And safety. You know exactly what will happen and how it will happen, and you can rely on this in your plans and actions. Addiction often disguises itself as great love. But in it, unlike love, there is nothing to breathe. Because a codependent always “knows exactly what the other person needs” and from this knowledge does a lot of good. The heap here is quite metaphorical, since the result is that the other also becomes dependent, only with the opposite sign. If one is overprotective, over-controlling, hyper-strong-willed, then the second has the opportunity to either fall into complete helplessness and irresponsibility, or go into counter-dependence (whatever you want, just not in the way the first one thinks is right, “I’ll freeze my ears out of spite”). The portrait is not very pleasant. But let's move it aside and look at where the legs of relationship addiction grow from. Most often, from trauma. And early. From the experience of vital horror in a situation of rejection by significant adults, when one does not yet have one’s own resources for survival and independent life. When it comes to vital needs, relationships with others become a super value. Addiction and everything that accompanies it is a defense against the possibility of once again encountering the experience of that horror from the past. This is the need to regain stability and control over the world - a child’s natural need for security. The need not to relive those helplessness and powerlessness. “I will do everything to prevent this from happening again.” And here all means are used. Make the other person depend on me. Then he won’t get away from me, and I won’t have to face the experience of abandonment, rejection, and uselessness. Hence the fear when a partner gets out of control. And a very high level of hidden aggression. But about aggression in another post. Friends, my main account is now on Telegram https://t.me/anastasiaaverburg (@anastasiaaverburg). New articles, reflections and notes appear there, marathons and mini-trainings are held. There you can ask questions, communicate and sign up for a consultation. Alternative communication method Viber / WhatsApp / Telegram +375 29 1140240 (for text messages only).