From the author: With men, children, parents and other people, we learn lessons that we cannot learn in this life. The laws of karma really exist in our relationships. With men, children, parents and other people, we go through lessons that we cannot learn in this life. “We came into this world only for a while to learn certain lessons and go through the school of life.” Part I School of Life Usually people, when faced with emotional experiences and suffering, rarely understand why all this befell their lot. They do not understand and believe in the injustice of life and events. Indeed, sometimes it is easier for us to blame the world than to look for the reasons for what is happening within ourselves. Many of us do not want to see the connections in our lives: the origins of existing problems in past relationships and difficulties. This is a pattern: if your mother had problems in her relationship with her mother, then they are already at her unconscious level; When a daughter is born, the mother’s problems will naturally affect the upbringing and development of the girl. And she, in turn, will pass on these difficulties to her children. So it turns out that mental “problems” are passed on from generation to generation. The Universe is structured very wisely and intelligently. Any internal problem will give rise to external obstacles, upon encountering which a person begins to suffer. Our suffering, like physical illnesses, shows the area of ​​​​our internal flaws. When we are faced with constantly recurring problems, we are, in fact, going through our karmic lessons - these are repeating events , which are sent to us for a specific purpose. If every time we deal with similar difficulties, we do not change internally and continue to act, focusing on the usual settings, then we step on the same rake again and again. And again we attract similar events and situations into our lives. If pain comes into your life, and you do not draw appropriate conclusions, do not try to realize your mistakes, then, undoubtedly, suffering will be repeated. For example, you have encountered betrayal in your life. Maybe this is an accident, but most likely it is a pattern. Perhaps it was your deeply disrespectful attitude towards a man that led to this situation, or maybe your choice of a partner was initially wrong. You were probably so in love and blind that you didn’t notice the obvious or didn’t want to notice. In any case, the problem is not with the man, but with you. And if you understand your mistakes and change, then betrayal will leave your life. You can change at the mental level, but the most important processes take place in our depths. The suffering we face transforms our inner world. Lessons of suffering When the soul hurts We deserve all the suffering that we experience. And we go through our life lessons in order to heal and cleanse ourselves. Suffering clears karma and changes your destiny. Suffering is akin to physical illness. The body begins to hurt to give us a signal about some kind of malfunction in our body. And when we feel pain, we pay attention to this area. When the soul hurts, this indicates internal disharmony, that our psyche needs treatment. Diseases are not always easy to diagnose, but, thank God, our medicine has stepped far forward and now it has many different diagnostic devices in its arsenal. But, unfortunately, such a technique does not exist to identify problems of the soul. We cannot take an X-ray of it and determine the disease in one second. Our true deep-seated failures, as a rule, are hidden from us, and sometimes we really do not understand why certain events happen to us. Almost all of our problems stem from our childhood, they arise from distorted relationships with each parent. Trauma to the soul occurs precisely in childhood. And a person lives with these traumas all his life, and the healed wounds of the soul periodically make themselves known in one way or another. Mental trauma is painfulexperiences of the psyche and heart, pain of the soul. The most painful experiences are the feeling of rejection, abandonment, uselessness, humiliation of injustice, betrayal, loneliness. The conditions for the formation of these painful feelings were not always created intentionally. After all, parents could not be distracted from the child, it’s just that the mother’s busyness provoked a feeling of abandonment and uselessness in the baby. And throughout life a person will encounter these feelings many times. He himself will abandon other people, not even realizing that he is doing exactly the same thing as his mother once did to him. This “coin” has two sides: our own actions towards other people and our feelings that arise when we are treated in the same way. Through our painful feelings, the universe teaches us to understand other people to whom we cause similar suffering. The problem is that although we perceive our feelings and the actions of others, in most cases we are not aware of our actions and the fact that how we influence the feelings of others. We do not understand this because our actions are hidden. This could be a facial expression, intonation in a voice, something elusive and imperceptible to our consciousness. Sometimes these are some kind of unconscious actions - being late, forgetting, losing things, accidental actions - the so-called games of the unconscious. Hidden fears When you open your soul and heart to someone, you at that very moment become very vulnerable. At this moment, your deeply repressed scripts, fears and defenses make themselves known. And you, without noticing, provoke another person to actions that you yourself are afraid of. Our fears pave the way for the actions of other people. This is very difficult to realize and see. We all have consciousness and unconsciousness. And usually we don’t understand how opposite messages come from us. A woman who wants to start a family does not realize that on an unconscious level she is afraid of this. And when a man comes into her life who is not in the mood for family relationships, she sincerely does not understand why this is happening. However, in a man she can see a reflection of her problems. Your unconscious chooses for communication such people with whom you will experience painful sensations from your distant childhood. Another person, like a mirror, reflects your inner world, repressed into the unconscious. And until you realize the mechanisms of your behavior and the defenses you have built, you will not be able to change the current situation. We learn karmic lessons in relationships with the opposite sex, as well as with parents, children, friends, bosses, and work colleagues. The first step to change is the awareness and understanding that every person in your life is not accidental. Everyone carries a karmic lesson and everything develops according to the laws of your karma and destiny. People around you do what you unconsciously provoke them to do. The reaction and behavior of another person reflects your deeply repressed feelings and desires. Karmic lessons are lessons that, to Unfortunately, you can't play truant with impunity. It is impossible to escape or hide from them. Sooner or later they will have to go through. You can change your job, your husband too, but it’s more difficult, but children... Through them, lessons come to us that we can no longer escape. Learning from our children Why do children treat their parents badly? After all, sometimes you see obvious injustice. It is not at all necessary that the bad attitude of children reflects the same attitude of their parents. A mother can madly love her dear child and devote her whole life to him, and in return receive black ingratitude. You need to understand that her good attitude was extreme. She failed to notice the nascent qualities in her child. They idealized him too much and did not want to see an objective picture. How is blind love born? From your own unfulfillment? From the desire to give what we ourselves did not receive in childhood? Our attitude towards ourselves, the world and people is formed from how our parents treated us in childhood. Sometimes the opposite method works: “I willtreat your children differently.” You may have already noticed that usually the same problems, transmitted from parents to you, run like a red thread through your relationships with men and concern your interactions with children. Often mothers do not understand what exactly they did not give to the child in childhood. From their point of view, they did their best. They don't see the difference between a loving mother and a functional mother. After all, you can fulfill your duties from start to finish, but at the same time be insensitive to the child’s feelings. Don't give an emotional response. And then parents in old age cannot receive warmth from their children. Everything comes back like a boomerang. In relationships with men, emotional detachment manifests itself more than once on the part of one or the other. A partner is our mirror, with him we can study ourselves and our inner world, learn lessons and heal our karma. Life lessons come to us through men, parents and, ultimately, through children. When in old age, left alone, Some of us will be faced with the bad attitude of children, with their indifference, inability to sincerely empathize, then these will probably be the last lessons that we will have to go through before leaving this earth. Our children are our most truthful mirrors. By their attitude towards us, as well as during communication with them or thanks to our feelings during moments of quarrels, we can understand the feelings that our actions or words cause in them. When faced with the disrespectful attitude of children, with their indifference, first of all ask yourself the question: how did you treat your children, were you good enough parents for them? And if you devoted your whole life to a child, giving up your desires and your life, this does not mean that you were a good mother. Maybe your child did not need your sacrifices at all, and he would just like to see you happy, thus learning from you to be happy. Before blaming children for a bad attitude, think: what did you do that made them have you become like this? Remember: it’s never too late to change your attitude towards yourself, men, parents and children. You just need to understand the purpose of the lessons. Having mastered some tasks, we move on to others - and this is the meaning of our life. Part II Working on mistakes in relationships The most common mistake in a partnership is that each of us has his own idea of ​​​​love, completely losing sight of the fact that relationships are developing all the time . To get to what you want, you need to go through a certain path, both your own and together with your partner. When we buy seeds, we already imagine a plant and, of course, we want to see exactly this in the future. And we are ready to grow it from a seed, stocked with patience and hard work. In relationships, we strive immediately, from the first minute, to get what we want, realizing our idea of ​​love. When faced with disappointment, pain and insults that your partner causes you, you close your heart , thinking that this way you will protect yourself from pain, not suspecting that you have fallen under the laws of karma and fate. Maybe you will feel better, but you will also be inaccessible to love. To preserve love, you do not need to fence yourself off from it, it is enough to maintain a distance in your relationship with the person who caused the pain. And this is not necessarily a physical quantity; the distance can also be emotional. The intensity of pain determines interpersonal distance, but it should not be the reason why the heart and soul are locked. When experiencing pain, we can increase internal distance, moving away from a person to a safe distance, but without closing ourselves off from love. All living things in nature are endowed with the ability to development. Living matter tends to develop, changing shape and quality. A seed turns into a plant, a helpless child becomes an independent adult. And our biggest mistake: forgetting that relationships are also living matter. When I ask women about how they see their union with a man, I always hear similar wishes, and their common feature isthe immutability and static nature of relationships from the moment of meeting until the end of days. “I want it to be like this all my life...” It’s not impossible. When a tree grows, it changes from season to season, but not dramatically, as it once did when it grew from a seed. Likewise, the “tree of love” develops from a seed, going through its stages of development. We must remember that we are all living people. As our body and soul change over time, so do our relationships. Development in relationships Relationships are a living organism that goes through its natural stages of development, providing us with an excellent opportunity to change. Many of you, faced with obstacles and difficulties in partnership, strive for any a way to eliminate existing problems by influencing the partner and external circumstances. But this path is not always the right one. Sometimes it is simply not in our power and strength to influence the circumstances, the will, desires and feelings of another person. But we stubbornly continue to rely on our power and fight against unwanted manifestations, wasting our health and energy. In this case, we direct all our efforts to achieve what we want, fighting external obstacles, and do not understand that first of all we should pay attention to internal changes. If you cannot solve a problem for a long time, then you need to grow out of it. You need to stop fighting external phenomena and try to understand what is behind them. Why did all this come into your life? What do the current circumstances teach you? Another mistake we make is that we usually do not perceive relationships as a repeating matrix of our unconscious, as an amazing opportunity to deal with our internal problems and fears. We do not consider relationships as fertile ground for our own growth and development. We need to understand that relationships do not stand still. And if you are stuck at some stage, and nothing happens, nothing changes, and you are unhappy, then your “tree of love” has stopped developing. It has stopped growing, and you have been pounding water in a mortar for a long time, turning your life and the life of your partner into endless suffering and torment. And this means that the moment has come to change something in your life. Take care of yourself, your inner world, face the truth and honestly admit to yourself that only you are responsible for everything that happens to you. And only with your consent do you have what you have. In order to help you understand at what stage in your relationship you are stuck, I want to share my observations. All relationships begin, in principle, the same way. The period of romance for each couple lasts a different time: for some, a few days are enough, and for others, this period stretches for years. But this is only a stage in a relationship - pleasant, beautiful, easy, rosy. Following it comes a period of confrontation. At this stage, the woman and the man are trying to show and prove to each other who is the boss in the house, whose opinion is more significant. During this period, they explore the boundaries of patience and personal space of the partner, study which methods of communication are acceptable and which are not. Traps in relationships During the period of confrontation, a woman faces two traps into which she can easily fall: 1. For women with developed feminine energy and clearly expressed dependent behavior, the emotional component in a relationship is very important. They quickly become attached to a man, often becoming dependent on him not only emotionally, but also materially. Such women fall into the trap of dependence. During the period of defining their desires and boundaries, their “I”, they are more likely to behave in the opposite way. All their actions are guided by fear: losing a man, being left alone, accepting responsibility for their life, learning to live alone, overcoming difficulties. They will patiently, or periodically losing patience, accept everything that a man imposes on them. They are unable to defend their desires and their “I.” This is how the foundation of an unhealthy relationship is laid when a man loses respect for his partner and beginsviolate the limits of what is permissible, focusing on your desires and not really worrying about the woman’s feelings. I’m not talking about cases when a woman is happy. For God's sake! If you feel good, this is the only criterion. I'm talking about relationships that cause suffering later. Be aware of this trap. And in order not to fall into it, you need to get rid of the fear of being alone, without a man.2. A woman with sufficiently developed masculine energy will fight for herself and her rights. She won't give up leadership so easily. A man needs to be wise, strong and, most importantly, patient enough not to lose this battle. Here another trap awaits a woman: she can get so carried away by the fight that she simply destroys the man. And then, due to lack of respect, she will lose interest in him and stop feeling like a woman next to him. At the same time, someone begins to openly fight with their partner, at the speed of sound, trying to destroy him as a man, to subjugate him. And someone uses a more subtle weapon - they begin to devalue a man, finding flaws in him. It all depends on how strong the partner turns out to be and how far the woman will go. If a man is able to withstand the female onslaught and does not turn into a henpecked man, he can intelligently set his personal boundaries and force him to respect them, then it is quite possible that the woman will lay down her weapon, and they will live happily ever after. But there are women who will fight with a man to the end, wasting their strength and energy. Or, having crushed him under themselves, they suffer because of his weakness. In order not to fall into this trap, you need to acquire feminine qualities, return to your roots, reveal softness, flexibility, and give up control. And to do this, you need to stop being afraid of your own feelings, overcome your pride, learn to see the positive sides in your man, be able to be sincerely grateful and forgive, understanding and accepting all the human aspects of your partner. In both cases, a woman needs to engage in her spiritual development. Tests in a relationship If only this was the end of the obstacles on the path to love and a happy life, it would have been nothing, but it would seem that the boundaries have been set, the confrontation has been passed, the woman has laid down her arms... However, serious trials lie ahead. A woman begins to see in a man something that is not at all meets her expectations, which, in fact, she cannot come to terms with. A man suddenly becomes rude, or she notices that he drinks a lot, or she accuses him of cheating... Every woman in a relationship with a man is faced with behavior that is unbearable, unacceptable or painful for her, causing incredible suffering. These are the real tests of love. In such situations, a woman learns to be a woman. At this moment, she is given the opportunity to heal from her pain and learn the lesson destined by fate. Experiencing suffering, she will either find another wound in her soul and heart, or discover feminine wisdom and strength in herself to free herself from the influence of the past. Through facing pain and the suffering that a man causes, you are given the opportunity to go through your painful karmic lessons. After discovering unacceptable character traits and behavior in a man (and for a man, in a woman), a natural desire to separate arises in your soul. But you can break up for real, or you can break up symbolically, that is, to distance yourself emotionally from each other. During this period, both partners have the feeling that something important has left the relationship and will never return. Emptiness arises, and it frightens... The reaction to this can be betrayal, going to work, being closed off... There is no need to be afraid of emptiness, you just need to behave correctly, and the main thing is not to run away. Emptiness arises due to the created distance between partners and it is very important to use this period for your development, awareness of your life. In principle, this is the deep meaning of separation (real or symbolic). Break up in order to find yourself and then meet again, already changed, or part forever,