You probably already guessed that these are phenomena of the same order. And both of them are about impaired autonomy. At a tender age, from 8 months to 2 and a half years, the structure of autonomy is formed. The first opportunity appears to move independently, to be separately. Vision becomes three-dimensional. The gaze focuses. There is an opportunity not to be pulled towards oneself, but to come closer to oneself. Boundaries appear. Well-formed autonomy knows how to organize one’s own space without violating the boundaries of other people. Such people feel appropriate everywhere. “I can be with Another, and on my own” If a child are not allowed to form their impulses independently, then autonomy does not develop correctly and a dependent character is formed. The position: “Mom knows best” turns out to be not so harmless. Growing up, such people do not feel alive without the Other. They constantly need a witness to confirm that you exist. The value of relationships is greatly exaggerated. You can hear them say: “I can’t live without you,” and this will not be an exaggeration. I always need someone responsible for my happiness. Who knows better what I need? A counterdependent character is formed when a child was expected to be independent before he was capable of it. Often these are older children. When kids appear in the family, the eldest is told: “You’re already big, you have to cope on your own.” And the child learns to cope on his own. Also help the mother with the younger ones. Or in situations where the parents behaved childishly and could not take good care of the child. They were busy with work or relationships. Even as adults, such people find relationships difficult. They are used to taking care of themselves, and are not very good at asking for help. They are very protective of their borders, even when no one encroaches on them. Closeness is scary, and it’s not very clear why other people are needed if I can take care of myself quite well. They seem cold and distant. But inside, this is experienced as one’s own inappropriateness. Both addicts and counter-dependents have the same difficulty - to build close relationships. Because in experience there are no stable, secure relationships. Some were pushed into autonomy too early, others were not released on time, but the result is very similar. The inability to be in close relationships. Why does this age have such a strong impact on our adult relationships? At this moment, the maximum number of neural connections is built (a flash from a year to one and a half years) And the good news is that new neural connections are formed at any age. And if you realize in time which direction to move, you can calibrate it in yourself. For example, in long-term therapy. This is also a relationship into which you will bring all your strategies. Willingly or involuntarily, this will manifest itself. And making it visible, realizing it is half the solution to the problem. Whoever responds to explore the topic, I will be glad to work with you in long-term therapy. With warmth, your psychologist Dara Bogdanova