How difficult and unbearably difficult it is to accept the thought of the death of a loved one. It's just a thought, not a fact. For me, the most tragic and completely unrealistic day was the day of my grandmother’s death. She left suddenly, hard and lonely... I would like to say that it is impossible to convey in words what happened to me when I found out about it. And there seem to be words, but in this grief they are too weightless, almost empty. For me, she was the dearest person. As I. Yalom wrote in his book “The Love Cure and Other Therapeutic Stories”: “Losing a parent or an old friend often means losing the past: the person who died may have been the only witness to the golden days of the distant past.” Grandmother was the only guardian of my childhood, my feelings, sensations, my experiences. She introduced me to the world of unconditional love. She was that uninhabited island where you can escape to catch your breath, calm down and gain strength. And now she was gone. A call from my mother, simple words: “Grandma died.” I opened my mouth, but no sounds came, I understood that I had to cry, but there were no tears. I was in a panic for exactly a minute. Then she collected herself and with the thoughts: “This is not true,” she began to do her usual things. I didn't go to the funeral. 9 days, 40 days, a year - for me these are just numbers. I was in denial for more than a year. I talked a little about my grandmother, but mostly in the present tense. I couldn't look at her photos. I didn’t talk about it with anyone, because someone could try to destroy my myth that she was still alive. I tried not to let anyone into my grief. However, these rare conversations with friends and family gave the impetus to move on. Now, remembering my grandmother, I cried. I cried a lot and, one might say, with pleasure. I felt better. There was a lot of sadness. But with it came calm, some relief, and it became increasingly clear that life goes on. A year and a half has passed since this event. It’s still hard for me to think about the fact that the person closest to me is no longer there, but I’m glad that she was in my life. I can’t count everything she was able to give me. And here a feeling of gratitude and great tenderness is born in me. Losing is not easy, losing loved ones is even more difficult, but I know for sure that with loss something new comes into life. And the main thing is to be able to see this new thing and give it the opportunity to enter your life..