From the author: Original article on the website The feelings that a person experiences when he finds himself abandoned are difficult to describe in words, because they are so strong and varied that it seems as if you are completely dissolving, you tears you into pieces, the earth slips from under your feet and some frantic whirlwind of emotions-thoughts-feelings-memories swirls around you... You feel like a small defenseless leaf that is mercilessly torn off by a gust of icy wind and carries you into the unknown... Every person experiences loss according to - to one’s own: someone “breaks loose” and hits “all bad”, and someone closes down and “withdraws into himself.” But there is one common feeling that everyone experiences who finds themselves in the place of the abandoned, rejected, lost . This is a feeling of Pain. Deep, heavy, soul-corroding pain. And everyone, sometimes secretly from themselves, tries to drown out this pain. In their own way. Psychologists who have studied this issue have come to the conclusion that the process of living through a difficult separation or loss goes through certain stages that naturally follow one after another. And regardless of whether a person knows about these stages or not, he still gradually goes through them. The difficulty is that when a person does not know what is happening to him, he can “slip” and get stuck at one of these stages. Sometimes for a long time. After all, it is natural that a breakup, especially an unexpected one, takes a person out of his usual balance, unsettles his usual life, and he experiences severe stress, which prevents him from perceiving what is happening objectively. When we experience strong feelings, it is really difficult for us to look at everything soberly. This is what complicates and slows down the process of getting out of such a difficult period - life after. In different sources, these stages (or stages) may differ in names or numbers. But if we generalize the different classifications, we can identify five main stages through which a person experiences a feeling of pain after breaking up a relationship with a significant loved one. Having become familiar with these stages, you can find your “stopping point” or getting stuck, see your “exit point” and move in its direction. After all, when we know the route, it is much easier for us to make our way. Stage 1. Shock. “It can’t be!..” Everything begins from this stage. On that day, that minute or even the moment when a person learns about an unpleasant event, he experiences a shock, the depth of which depends on the degree of closeness of the lost relationship. As a rule, a person falls into a stupor and for some time plunges into a state when everything that is happening around is perceived “as if in a fog.” The body can react in different ways: sometimes by “freezing”, sometimes, on the contrary, by increasing motor skills. But the mind always reacts with denial, refusal: “No!!! This can’t be!!!”You can see with your eyes the whole truth, the whole cruel reality of what is happening - here he/she collects things, nervously and hastily throws them into a suitcase, moves chaotically around the apartment, goes out and slams the door behind him... And you stand in a daze, you watch this “film”, and a hammer mercilessly knocks in your head: “No! No! No! No! Nooooo!!!" From this unbearable pain, you can scream, rush in despair and try to stop him, but the door mercilessly slams, and inside the echo still sounds: “No... no... no...” Your mind refuses to believe it. This is how the psyche protects itself from pain, from that deep mental pain that is extremely difficult to survive at the moment. Almost impossible. And then “immersion” begins: stupor, numbness of consciousness, body, loss of interest and alienation from everything... A person can remain in such a inhibited state for quite a long time. There are many factors here - how close the relationship was, whether he was sharply or gradually approaching the “day of truth”, how deep the wound of betrayal is or the strength of the partner’s meanness (if any), how strong was the degree of attachment and dependence on the other (emotional, social, material andetc.), how mature and independent a person is at the time of shock, etc. Deliberate attempts by friends and family to get you out of this state do not bring any results, even if they are very sincere. Sometimes, on the contrary, they can cause an outburst of anger or aggression towards the “helper” and lead to even greater alienation and immersion in the problem. This is normal, because others, as a rule, cannot feel the full extent of the importance and depth of your experiences, because they are different. And to the grieving person this may seem like ridicule or mockery. This will continue until the person himself matures and accepts the new truth at the level of consciousness: “Yes, now it is so. Now I'm left alone." This is not easy, which is why it requires time and additional internal strength, which a person simply does not have at the time of loss. From loved ones, adequate help can be a statement that they are nearby, that they are ready to help and support, “just let me know.” It makes no sense to ask the lost person “What do you want?”, because the pain in a person’s soul drowns out all other feelings and desires and he really doesn’t want anything. He needs to grieve. And when the “mental anesthesia” in the form of shock and denial subsides a little, the person himself begins, gradually, in portions, to let the “new reality” into his life. Begins to get used to living without him/her. This is how the movement to the next stage begins. Stage 2. Anger. “I hate you!” This stage also happens differently for everyone, but it is very important that it comes and the person allows himself to get angry. For some, a figuratively speaking “cork breaking effect” may occur here - a person begins to feel angry at everyone and everything - at his former partner for betraying him; at yourself for not doing everything, enough, or vice versa, for humiliating yourself in front of him/her. To a child who constantly reminds “of him”; at mom, with her “I told you so.” On the neighbors, on the state, on the sun, on the wind, on the whole world... And the person himself seems to be looking for a reason to “start a record” about his problem again at every opportunity. This is normal, because he really has an internal need to “drain all the negativity.” He really needs the opportunity to do this, and not block it inside himself. Because unreacted negative experiences, especially feelings of anger, can be contained inside, and then migrate for a long time, from time to time breaking out in the form of unexpected outbursts of anger, most often addressed to innocent persons. The worst option for accumulating anger within oneself is psychosomatic disorders. You must allow yourself to be angry, but do it in a civilized manner, without involving other people in your experiences, except those who are sincerely ready to share and help live through it. It would be much more honest to ask your friend to listen to your next monologue “and again a song about him,” because you need to speak out, than to pester her with your calls or conversations without voicing her role, and then be surprised and offended that she began to avoid communication. As civilized as possible get angry? You can concentrate your strength and energy on some important project and make a breakthrough in your career (by the way, many men, finding themselves on the “losing” side, do exactly this, which is quite reasonable), you can make a renovation that you have long dreamed of, but was constantly postponed. An excellent outlet for accumulated anger and aggression will be sports and any physical labor. It is important to truly realize: “Yes, I am angry and hateful, but others have nothing to do with it. Therefore, I will find a suitable way to release my aggression.” After all, anger by its nature is a powerful energy, using which you can make a good leap forward. You can write down your seething feelings on paper - the paper will endure, and you will experience incredible relief. There is a wonderful technique for this called “Anger Letter,” which I already wrote about. Various types of creativity are also suitable, where there is an opportunity to express your feelings - drawing, dance therapy (spontaneous dance or movement), modeling,film therapy, fairy tale therapy, etc. In general, at this stage, any psychological or psychotherapeutic assistance will be a very good help, which many needlessly ignore and underestimate. At this stage, it is important for a person not only to “get it”, to throw out his negative experiences, but most importantly, to be accepted by others in his difficult feelings. And this is sometimes beyond the capabilities of even the best and closest friend, because she is not able to perceive objectively and maintain a non-involved position. At this stage, a person really needs external support, so he should be able to pronounce or write down all those angry thoughts that will pop up in his consciousness from time to time. Stage 3. Doubts. “What if?..” As soon as the steam is let off a little and the taste for life gradually begins to return to the person, a period of doubt begins. “Bargaining” begins with one’s still wounded and weakened “I”: maybe he/she will come back?.. or maybe all is not lost yet?.. probably I was/was wrong?.. what if I behave differently?.. or maybe he didn’t want to leave at all?.. what if he’s waiting for a signal from me?.. Well, he wasn’t that bad/greedy/callous/lazy... And so on, and so on. Various doubts and soul-searching, all kinds of “what if?.. or maybe?..” are the last straw, the last thread between the past and the present. Between the knowledge of how it already was and the unknown of “how to live now and what will happen next.” And while a person grabs onto it and tries to hold on, it will seem to him that if he can take control of the situation, then perhaps everything can still be corrected. In fact, control can never guarantee results, because control is only an illusion of security, the illusion that everything depends on me, which means that as I want, it will be so, I just have to try. The longer a person hides behind this illusion , the slower he moves towards liberation from the shackles of his pain. At this stage, it is important to realize that not everything in the world depends on me, that where two people quarrel and separate, responsibility is always divided equally, that is, in half! At this stage, attempts at reunification quite often occur. Most often, the driver is sexual attraction (body memory). Sometimes the reason for the rapprochement may be children or common territory. Partners can really get together for a while, and it may even seem that all the quarrels and misunderstandings that existed before no longer have any force or meaning. But, as a rule, the sexual frenzy quickly passes, and old claims and nagging come to the surface, now they sound with even greater force and the relationship quickly turns into a mutual attack, since the pain from the previously inflicted injury still remains and the unhealed wound begins to “bleed” even stronger. As a result, this experiment fails, causing even more disappointment and resentment in the soul, which is now accompanied by a feeling of shame and self-abasement. Realizing that everything was in vain and meaningless, the person begins to “go to the bottom”...Stage 4. Depression. “I-don’t-want-anything...” After attempts to get closer to a partner have not yielded a positive result, a period of “darkness” begins, the person experiences a depressed state, the colors fade, and interest in everything completely dissipates. This is a period of complete devastation, disappointment in oneself, in other people, trust in the opposite sex disappears, self-esteem drops sharply, a person begins to “run” in an invisible vicious circle from a deep feeling of guilt and resentment to incredible self-pity. Here he is overtaken by the eternal dead-end question “Why?!.” If a person during this period has to fulfill some social roles, then the level of his energy and productivity decreases catastrophically. In order to somehow function, many people put their lives on pause. A period of dullness and “not wanting anything” begins. Day after day drags on, your appetite may disappear, or, conversely, a nervous “eating” of inner emptiness may appear. Increases emotionalsensitivity and reactivity, spontaneous reactions may occur in the form of tears, breakdowns, hysterics. A person begins to avoid contact and communication with friends and relatives who do not understand what is happening to him - “enough already, pull yourself together!” They cannot understand, and therefore he again strives for his “hole” in order to “enjoy” his suffering again and again. Tired of the endless feeling of dull aching pain inside, a person “decides” not to feel anything, just to live somehow, like everyone else . Sometimes it may even seem that he is succeeding. But treacherous memories “about him, about us,” about how good it was, and sometimes how bad it was, no, no, and they will come. And then a new portion of pain burns from the inside and bursts out with tears, screams, screams or silent biting of lips... In psychotherapy, this phenomenon is called “flash-back” (flash from the past), and the pain experienced at such moments eloquently signals that There are still unlived and unreleased feelings that are striving for freedom. Some detachedly go to work, terrorizing all colleagues or subordinates with their frenzied workaholism. Or they begin to obsessively take care of children (even if they are already adults and independent), forget about themselves, ignore their needs and practically “put an end to” their personal life. Why? Because it’s scary to be alone with your true feelings, with your resentment and pain. And some find more primitive ways of “feeding” and filling the emotional gap - they retreat into weaknesses, addictions, begin to lead a chaotic and aimless lifestyle, change new partners “like gloves.” Why? Because it’s scary to be alone with your true feelings, with your resentment, pain and truth... No matter how difficult this period may seem, in fact it is very necessary, it is important to go through it. Because this stage is the lowest critical point of this entire process - experiencing a feeling of pain after breaking up a relationship with a loved one. It is extremely important to make a “full immersion” in the world of your feelings in order to finally “touch bottom” and push off. Push off and then rise again. Remember, like children who are learning to walk, they persistently get up after every fall, no matter what, this is an instinct. This is how it is for an adult, you need to “fall”, living all your pain to the end, to the fullest, and cry, if necessary, to the last tear. Only when you have completely exhaled can you take a new breath. But many, unfortunately, “get stuck” at this stage for a long time, sometimes for years, sometimes for life. It’s not the best option when people enter into a new relationship without fully freeing themselves from the pain of the previous ones. Both suffer in these relationships - the one who, running away from the pain of the past, found a “shelter”, and the one who became a “savior”. If a person was not afraid to go through the entire process of “immersion” in the ocean of his emotions and experiences, then it is then he has the opportunity to push off from the bottom, finally rise to the surface, see the shore and swim to it, finding ground under his feet. The most important goal of this period, the stage of depression, is to allow yourself to feel, accept your pain and want to live, understand and admit: “Yes, I’m alone now, I feel damn bad, but I want to move on!” Not for the sake of the children, not for the sake of the parents, not for the sake of anyone else, but for the sake of himself. For the first time in a long time, the words “Yes, I’m alone now” sound consciously and no longer make me internally cringe in pain. This is the beginning of a new and final stage. Stage 5. Humility. “I thank you for everything...” Together with the last drop of self-pity, fear of loneliness and uncertainty about the future released, peace finally begins to come to the soul. Not indifference and detachment, but calmness, quiet acceptance. Yes, this is my life now. Now everything is different. It's neither good nor bad, it just is. When the soul is freed from internal heaviness and pain, from anger and indignation, from hatred and a feeling of terrible injustice, it again gains the ability