From the author: The first article in a series about codependency in relationships My first article on the topic of codependency (2012): From time to time in consultations I come across approximately the following appeals and statements: “I broke up with my boyfriend , and now I realized that I can’t live without him” “I feel bad with him, I want to break up, but I can’t. I tried several times, but after breaking up it only got worse, so I came back.” “Why do all my chosen ones turn out to be alcoholics?” “Why does everyone I date end up acting badly towards me?” “My father behaved rudely towards to us children. As a child, I promised myself that I would not allow this to happen in my family, but now I notice that sometimes I behave the same way as my father...” “I still live with my mother. I can't find a woman who suits me. I already want to, and my mother presses: “I wish you would get married soon, then I can die in peace.” “I am very worried if something doesn’t work out for me at work. Maybe this is due to my parents, who instilled in me as a child that I can’t do anything, and I can’t do anything?” “I have a successful career, but my personal life just doesn’t work out.” “I don’t see the point in building relationships. I don't want a family, I don't want children. All my friends are already married, and I think that they suffer in these relationships, they just don’t want to admit it.” “I believe that a family should have only one child, and if spouses have a second or third, then they do it not because of love, but because of something else (they want to earn money from benefits, they think that other people will respect them more, etc.) "Many psychological problems associated with relationship problems , bring us to the big topic of codependency. In this article, I will talk about some of the distinctive features of relationships built on the principle of codependency. I think that the article will be relevant for many, since according to various sources, from 70 to 98% of people are drawn into codependent relationships. Codependent relationships In short, codependent relationships are relationships where there is no open and direct communication between the participants. In such relationships there is a lot of manipulation, emotional abuse, control and exchange of areas of responsibility. Such relationships manifest themselves most clearly in families where one of the partners is addicted to alcohol. At first glance, the problem is only with the alcoholic, but upon closer examination it becomes clear that the second partner does a lot to help maintain alcoholism. Isn't it logical? At first glance it doesn't seem logical. But upon examination, you can find hidden benefits that such a person unconsciously counts on. As a result, these relationships, surprisingly, do not fall apart, but become stronger and stronger every year. The participants in such relationships become more and more dependent on each other. Is a breakup possible? Possible, but most likely the participants will find new partners for the same games. Have you met, for example, women who marry only people prone to alcoholism? She divorced her first alcoholic husband, promised to find another, better one, and found a new alcoholic. Time will pass, she will get divorced, but the next one will also be prone to alcoholism. Unfortunately, this is a common scenario. For the most part, such relationships are built unconsciously. Each of the participants at the level of logic will strive for harmony in the relationship. But in a situation of stress and personal interest, he will show signs of codependent behavior (manipulation, struggle for power, etc.). For their destructive behavior, the participants in such relationships have a lot of logical explanations, which they themselves willingly believe. For example, a parent who constantly yells at a child can explain his behavior by building character in the child and preparing him for the future life. Or a wife who diligently hides her husband’s alcoholism from his friends and colleagues may explain her behavior by saying that she cares about his reputation. Or grandma whocontrols everyone in the family, can explain her behavior by the fact that only she has the necessary life experience or by the fact that all the others will disappear without her dictatorship. Codependent relationships come in different “scope”. There are families where codependency exists in many forms and is very visible from the outside. In one such family there can be alcoholism, emotional abuse, physical abuse and dictatorship, and all this in extreme forms. There are families where codependency does not manifest itself so noticeably: none of the family members has chemical dependence, outwardly the family seems successful to the world, emotional abuse is not common. That is, codependency is also a quantitative characteristic. If a family is codependent, this does not mean that it is codependent in all possible manifestations. For example, in a family, at first glance, there may only be a strong attachment between a daughter and her mother due to the habit of not provoking quarrels and agreeing with the mother on any issues. However, if you start to deal with this problem, its roots will turn out to be much deeper. A codependent relationship does not end with two partners. Each of them has parents and grandparents who also support codependent relationships. If this is a couple, most likely they will have a child who will be drawn into such a relationship from childhood, so he (like all other participants) will think that such communication is a normal relationship. When he becomes an adult, perhaps he will find a codependent partner. Thus, codependency is a family systemic problem. Distinctive features of codependent relationships It is not at all necessary that the distinctive features of codependent relationships that will be discussed should be present in a single family all at once. There are families where all of them are clearly expressed. And there are families where only some of the above are present. Lack of free and open communication With direct and open communication, we can directly ask our partner a question that interests us (for example, about what he is feeling or thinking now). Such openness allows you not to live in the illusory world of relationships, but to see them as real. If a person has done something that we don’t like, then we don’t interpret his behavior (“You did it because you wanted me to suffer!”), but ask a direct question, “Why did you do that?” In the first case, when we do not ask our partner the motives for his actions, we answer the question ourselves. Often our answer is far from the truth and puts our partner in a dark, aggressive light. Further, our interaction with him will be based on the principle “Oh, so! Then listen to what I’m going to tell you now...”, and a new scandal unfolds. One of the main features of codependent relationships is the lack of open communication. In such relationships, partners prefer to make their own guesses about the motives of others’ actions. In such a relationship, no one will ask the partner about how he is feeling now, or why he is experiencing certain feelings. Instead, we immediately say something like “You did it because....!” or “You are doing this because others are more important to you than me!” Opening up to another person, telling him about what you really feel can be scary for codependent people. They have learned from bitter experience. Even in childhood, they were faced with situations when you open up to another person, show your sore spots, and then this person, at the right moment, can hit you in that very place. From such cases, a strategy emerges to hide your inner world from others, not to show your sore spots, your true feelings. After all, if others do not know what you feel and want, then they will not be able to use it for the purposes of their struggle for power. Therefore, in codependent families, no one talks about their feelings and needs. In such families, at the dinner table, someone will utter the phrase “Is there no bread on the table, just a roll?”, and later it turns out that the questioner simply wanted bread, but could not say so openly. Suchfamilies to the question “Do you want bread or a roll?” may answer “It doesn’t matter,” or “Give me something already!” or “Give me what you give yourself.” Due to the fact that no one communicates their needs, everyone regularly faces their dissatisfaction. It's hard for others to please you if they don't know what you want. Therefore, on New Year’s Day in such families the phrase “But this is not what I wanted at all!” You should have guessed!” Participants in such relationships prefer that others themselves correctly guess about their needs, desires and feelings. But there are always mistakes in guessing. Manipulation, psychological games, struggle for power Without open and direct communication, it is difficult to convey your needs to your partner, but you want to satisfy them... Manipulation comes to the rescue. Why tell your partner your needs (and, accordingly, show your “sore” spots, which were discussed above), if you can learn to control them through manipulation? Then he will satisfy your needs “of his own free will.” Here are just some examples: Does your partner refuse to do what you need? I will be offended by him, and then he will be forced to do this out of guilt. Has your partner started drinking often? I will start to take care of him more (I need to clean up the mess in the kitchen, I need to help my husband change clothes, I need to call his work, tell him I’m sick), and then in the morning, out of guilt, he will be ready to do a lot. Is the wife’s independence scary? I will suggest that she stop working and spend more time on herself. After some time, all finances will be in my hands, and then she will no longer be able to be so independent. I don’t want to admit that for my own peace of mind I need to control others. I’ll call it jealousy. How can I provide my request with an additional argument? You can add that among the two of us, I am higher in a certain hierarchy (for example, man - woman, boss - subordinate, older - younger, with education - without education, with an apartment - without an apartment, with a job - without a job, successful - unsuccessful , strong - weak, from the nobles - from the peasants, from the city - from the countryside, smarter - dumber, etc.) How can I make others serve me more? You can become helpless...How can I show my partner (and myself) how much I mean to him? You can leave him and then come back. Or, as an option, kick him out and then allow him to return. A separate area of ​​manipulation in relationships is manipulation through addictions, such as: “I drink because of you!”, “If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t drink now, but would work and I earned a lot of money... I know who I used to be?... and how respected I was..." All of the above examples are manipulations, that is, these are words or actions whose purpose is to force a person to act in a certain way. But such actions are an encroachment on the psychological territory of another person without his knowledge or without his consent. This is called emotional abuse. It can be obvious (accusations, name-calling, rudeness, humiliation, refusal to communicate, non-acceptance of a person, contempt, neglect, etc.), and hidden, socially approved. Imagine a situation: a guy and a girl go to a cafe. At the end of the date, he pays for both. At first glance, everything is fine: yes, it’s customary, the man pays for himself and for the woman he came with. Let's look at this situation from a different angle. In communication between people there is a principle of “take and give”. In a good relationship, when I receive something from my partner (love, attention, care), I give him the same amount, adding a little more on my part. This keeps everyone happy and the relationship develops. When I receive something from my partner, I feel something like a sense of duty or obligation. I feel like I owe him at least as much. If I don’t give it to him, then the feeling of duty and responsibility will remain with me. Now let's go back to the cafe. He paid for her without asking her consent. Now she feels obliged to him. Now she feels uncomfortable. Emotional abuse has occurredalbeit socially approved. Emotional abuse, which occurs both on its own and through manipulation, is one of the key characteristics of codependent relationships. In such families, everyone engages in emotional abuse. Some choose obvious, open manifestations, others less noticeable Love on conditions If we analyze codependent relationships in detail, it becomes clear that each of the participants has an unsatisfied need for love since childhood, whether they realize it or not. Since they cannot get it directly, they resort to manipulation and emotional abuse, which leads to tension in relationships. And relationship problems often lead to dependent behavior of one or two partners (alcoholism, gambling addiction, drug addiction, the desire to constantly clean, workaholism, etc.). Each of the partners at an unconscious level understands that his love is the most valuable thing , what he has and this is the most valuable thing that can be given to a partner. Therefore, this “deficit” in such relationships is very expensive. It will not be given just like that. It will be given only under certain conditions. It becomes another tool of manipulation. Constant manipulation creates another problem: if someone suddenly decides to show love on a selfless basis, then they will be treated with suspicion. People around you may think that this is another manipulative move. The catch can be seen in the fact that the conditions are not indicated, which means accepting this love is at your own peril and risk, and this causes anxiety. Not everyone is ready for this. It turns out to be a vicious circle: on the one hand, the participants in such relationships do not accept love on a disinterested basis (they see a catch), and they do not like receiving it on conditions, there is nothing sublime in this... Confusion of responsibility So, in the family there is love (attention, care, emotional heat) is a valuable resource. Nobody wants to give it away just like that. Everyone has conditions. Through manipulation, of course, you can get something, but this path is not approved, which means people will resist it. There is a need for approved, guaranteed love from family members. The easiest way to achieve this is to make other people dependent on you. You can do this directly (“I earn money, and you just sit at home”), or you can start doing something for other people, what they should do themselves. After a while, they will get used to the fact that part of their responsibility has been transferred to you, and they will become dependent on you. But when you take part of the responsibility from one family member, part from another, part from a third, there is no time left to take responsibility for yourself. It's OK. Other family members will willingly take it on. And thus everyone becomes connected to each other. The mother of an 11th grade student can turn to a psychologist with the request “WE just can’t decide on the choice of university. What should WE do? Do you feel like responsibility has become confused? By the way, maybe that’s why they can’t decide on the choice of university, because their son doesn’t like what his mother chose for him? The mother of a first-grader can turn to a psychologist with the request “My daughter is so dependent, she can’t pack a briefcase on her own!” I have to collect it every day. What should we do? I wonder what would happen if a girl ever came to school without a briefcase? A cruel example. Mom turns to her son, “Look, dad is drinking more and more. Should I divorce him? Now the child must take responsibility for the mother’s personal life... The man declares, “Cleaning is not a man’s job.” He abdicated responsibility... I wonder who will pick it up? “Do you want bread or a roll?” “What are you going to give me!” “He offended me with his words.” With this formulation, she shifts responsibility for her feelings onto him. For comparison, another phrase: “He said words that I decided to be offended by” “You need to wear blue.” She takes his responsibility for choosing the color of his clothes. For comparison, anotherphrase: “I like it when you wear blue. I think it suits you” “You ruined my whole life!” - She transferred responsibility for her life to him. I wonder if he knew about this? “If it weren’t for my family, I would have long ago become a famous actor (I would have received an education, made a career, would have been a hunter, that is, I would have done what I want, but I’m not doing now).” . He shifts responsibility to the family for what he himself does not do. When a person manages to make his own decisions and take responsibility for them, he can be represented as a circle. He is in the center, and there is an area of ​​responsibility around him. Now let’s imagine that this person has found another partner with the same attitude towards responsibility. Then they will live together like this: And the exchange of responsibilities in codependent families will be like this: The process of exchange of responsibilities for the most part occurs without a joint agreement, behind the scenes. As a result, situations periodically arise when someone relieves themselves of part of the responsibility, and the partner, for some reason, does not take on this responsibility. Time will pass, and there will be consequences for unfulfilled work. And then a conflict will break out: the one who has relieved himself of responsibility for what is happening will go to blame the one who, in his opinion, should have taken this responsibility and done the job. He, in turn, will defend himself, because he did not take on this responsibility... a scandal with mutual accusations will begin. Example: my husband urgently needs to wash some of his clothes. He knows that his wife will soon load the washing machine. He puts his item in the basket with dirty laundry in the hope that his wife will wash it and leaves. And for some reason the wife decided that it was better to wash this thing another day... The morning will come, and the husband, discovering that his thing has not been washed, will go to blame his wife. She, in turn, will blame him for not telling her. He will begin to assure that he said that, or that she should have guessed, because he knows that tomorrow he will need her to do the laundry…. a scandal breaks out. Control Where there is manipulation, struggle for power, confusion of responsibilities, there are certain expectations from the partner. It’s one thing if, after your actions, he did everything as planned. What if he decides to do differently? Then you urgently need to take another manipulation. Hence the increased control in such relationships. Everyone is controlling each other. “You came back 15 minutes late today, where were you?” “Who are you talking to on the phone?” “Do you love me?” “Somehow you talked too much with him at the party...” “You were drinking today.” “Who’s going fishing with you?” “Son, bring your diary, I’ll check it.” “How much of your homework have you already done? Not all? Then go ahead, I’ll come back in an hour and check!” “Sister-in-law, how do you prepare the soup?” “Who do you communicate with on the Internet?” For participants in codependent relationships, control helps both to better optimize their manipulations and to prepare to resist the manipulations of others (warned, means armed). And, naturally, control is needed in order to understand when one of the participants decides to break out of this relationship. There is a great fear of being abandoned. Often, those who want to control do not want to be noticed in this desire. Then he has to turn to third parties who may know where and what those he wants to control are doing. For example, a grandmother who wants to know what her adult children are doing can call her granddaughter and ask her about her parents (Where are they? What are they doing? What are their plans? Where were they last night? Why didn’t they call? Where will they celebrate the New Year? ). Dependency In such relationships, one or both partners, as a rule, have dependence. Here are the most popular: Alcoholism Tobacco Smoking Workaholism Overeating or fasting (food addiction) Computer and Internet addiction Relationship addiction Gaming addiction Drug addiction Obsessive desire to do cleaning The presence of addiction is one of the distinguishing features of such relationships. Actually, this is what gave this type its name.=135