When for real In the modern world the words “I myself!” extremely relevant. If you pronounce them often, it becomes an attitude, a motto. This will offend one man and push him to action and an explanation like “Darling, leave it to me.” The other will be left bewildered like, “Why am I with you then?” There is a third option, which is very common these days. A man number three will be comfortable. "Herself? Ok, I’m not interfering.” Relationships, in my opinion, are built on trust. Not the local “He’s not cheating on me,” but in general. Trust his opinion, his taste. His actions. This, I think, is the basis of love. Not an amorous flair with gifts and banal verbal nonsense, but real life prose. Real feelings. Such relationships take years to build, and this is not an easy matter. First of all, because we are really too different. However, it is in our polarity that harmony is hidden. My interlocutor, a teacher at the Faculty of Television at Moscow State University, psychologist Yulia DUBINSKAYA, is completely sure of this. Lonely and free - Why, in your opinion, do marriages break up so often now? - The problem of our time is that we too easily equate the words comfortable and good. Because good is not always comfortable, but it is always good. But comfortable is not always good. Let's say it's difficult to study at the institute. You can buy a diploma - it’s comfortable, but it’s not good at all. - I vaguely understand what family has to do with it... - As for family psychology, the situation here is about the same. Now is the time when a woman can easily earn her own living, provide her own leisure time, and, in the end, get pregnant and give birth herself, for this she does not need to get married on purpose. She can build a career herself, in order to make repairs, hire workers and, in principle, she doesn’t seem to need a man. - In principle, it’s logical. At least a way out of the situation. Or not? - Many women say - especially after the first divorce, when a feeling of euphoria arises: “God, how free I am, I can do everything myself!” And with such newfound freedom they come with the deepest depression and a whole bunch of psychological problems. And this, again, is connected with the choice of a simple path. - So, there is no happiness without difficulties? - Often people do not understand that, in fact, complete happiness and harmony are possible only within the framework of their gender concept, which has been created for centuries. This concept, again, depends on the country where you were born. What is normal for the Japanese is not normal for Russians, Armenians, Americans, and so on. At the same time, the key points are common to everyone. Of course, when such a client comes, she needs to be told that happiness is possible for her in a female position, moreover, it is in this position that it is real. But this position requires work, and a lot of it. But the house is clean - Can I give you an example situation? - Look. When a woman lives with a man who does not know how to nail a nail to the wall, then, of course, it is much easier to turn to a specialist for help. If, for example, you need to nail a shelf, call a worker. It’s comfortable and fast, but it’s not good. Because if your man does this himself, even if it takes longer, then he will understand that he is the boss of this family, and you will understand that you can rely on him. After all, this is how it usually happens in our families? Besides, this is normal and has not surprised anyone for a long time. What women often do here - and if I were a man, I would react very harshly in this situation. My husband decided to cook dinner. She comes and says: “Oh my God! You've messed up my whole kitchen! Go away, I’ll cook it myself!” How does a man feel about this? Probably nothing good. - Was he worthy of praise? - Of course! The man took such a step, he expected praise for it - and he really deserves praise! It doesn't matter that he dirty the kitchen. And he receives a backlash that is completely uncorrelated with this action. For a woman, doing everything herself, carefully, is a habit. She's calmer that way. But calmer does not mean better. SheIt will make you feel calmer, but the family will lose from it. - It turns out that diplomacy has not been canceled in the kitchen? - A wise woman acts differently here. She says: “What a great fellow you are! You made dinner!” At this moment, the man is inspired, and the next time he cooks dinner, he will do it more carefully. And so on. Thus, the woman will win, because from time to time her husband will be in charge of the kitchen, and she will relax. And the husband will be happy, because he will receive his praise. But the stupid woman who kicked her husband out of the kitchen will not wait for his help anymore, and will always cook herself. But she kept it clean. Often because of this, many domestic scandals occur, which then result in ideological scandals. A hundred things to do at once - Why do disagreements sometimes arise out of nowhere? Hence this eternal “He doesn’t understand me”... - It is very important to understand here that a man and a woman react differently to different situations. And they also communicate differently. Sometimes this becomes a cause of conflict. What do women usually say among themselves? When we meet, we usually talk about our problems. We discuss problems, situations, feel sorry for each other, sympathize. - And men? - Men's communication is different. Men are measured by success, this can be seen even in the example of little boys. A man can discuss a problem only with a very close person, and these situations are still one-time situations. So it turns out: a woman comes home and starts crying. She expects a female reaction from a man - that he will sympathize with her, ooh and aah. - Yes, sometimes you want your loved one to simply say with you in unison: “Yes, N is wrong, you creeping bastard!” - But this does not happen! You shared a problem with a man, what should you do? Suggest a solution! Therefore, it often happens like this: “I told him, and instead of feeling sorry for me, he began to offer solutions to my troubles!” As a result, she burst into tears even more, began to scold him, and it came to a scandal. And the only problem is that we are different, and in this case the difference is exclusively physiological. - And the point is not that your problems seem nonsense to him? - Of course. Here's another example of the difference between the sexes. A woman can do several things at the same time and at the same time she does not lose quality. It’s normal for her when the washing machine is running, soup is cooking, she’s playing with the child, plus everything the woman is ready to answer her mobile phone. The man is horrified by this situation. With rare exceptions, men work like - if he washes dishes, then he WASHES DISHES. He does this much longer than you and with high quality. After he has washed the dishes, he can turn on the wash. And so on. Translation from male to female - Why do they say that a man and a woman are creatures from different planets? - There are several aspects here. Men are the best strategists, and women are the best tacticians. This is due to the number of interhemispheric connections. It’s just that women have more of them, so a woman manages to combine some processes faster. But men have better systematic and logical thinking. And in this sense, we fit together perfectly as a family. It does everything efficiently, slowly, in a single process. And there is no need to scold him for this - this is male nature. Or another option - when a mother says: “My son doesn’t hear me. I called him to dinner five times, and he comes and declares that I didn’t invite him.” And here we have to talk with mothers about male perception, about the fact that he cannot perceive two different signals at the same time. - How simple it all turns out... - If your husband plays a computer game, talks on the phone or thoughtfully listens to music, with a high probability your “Honey, let’s go to dinner!” he won't hear. His perception receptors are tuned to one process. And such an understanding of a purely physiological nature often provides the key to understanding what men are stronger in and what women are stronger in, and how we can combine these sides to help and complement each other. - A task for two, it turns out? - This is akin to mastering a foreign language language, sometimes you need to be able to translate from male to female and from female to male. And with.