From the author: In previous articles I wrote about codependency and codependent relationships. about the roots of codependency: and about Karpman's drama triangle. about rescuers and rescue Rescuer – it sounds proud! What lies behind this? Continuing this topic, this article is dedicated to the victim. A selection of articles on the topic of codependency: It’s not about the road we choose; what is inside us forces us to choose the path. (O. Henry) A person in the role of a Victim has long been convinced: whatever he does, it will turn out badly, he is not able to meet the expectations of other people, he is not given the opportunity to achieve success. Such a person is not confident in himself, in his strengths and abilities, he does not dare to make decisions on his own and do anything important without outside help. He prefers to transfer responsibility for himself and his life to someone, in his opinion, more competent. By avoiding responsibility, he also avoids freedom of choice, thereby often forcing himself to live not in accordance with his own needs, but fulfilling the will and preferences of other people. What is the reason for the development of the Victim? Increased demands from parents, which the child is clearly unable to justify. Parental message: “You must meet our expectations!”, “If you do not meet our requirements, then you are insignificant.” Constant comparisons of parents with others children who are not in favor of the child. Parental message: “You must be better than others.” Parents often want to stimulate the child to improve themselves and achieve success, but get the opposite result. The child understands that he cannot meet such high requirements. In the future, he himself begins to make similar demands, criticizes himself and compares himself with other people not in his favor. Moreover, he firmly learns that if he does nothing, he will receive much less critical comments than when he starts doing and makes mistakes. Too demanding parents are never completely satisfied with the child’s actions, which leads to the development of a fear of failure. This further constrains and leads to new failures. Seeing continuous failures ahead, the child develops the conviction that lack of initiative and apathy is the safest way of behavior. If the child still achieves success, despite all the blocking circumstances, even more is expected from him, they want impeccability and perfection. Reaction to parents’ success: “Well, you can do it whenever you want!” Parental message: “To look better than others, you must learn before others many things that they cannot do. And you must do this to perfection.” The bar of demand rises, and the threat of failure increases, so the fear of success develops. Then the child prefers to suppress his abilities so as not to raise expectations that frighten him. The parental message: “If you do not meet our expectations, you upset us, and you are unworthy of our love.” A parent, for example a mother, herself in the role of the Victim, can tell the child: “Keep your head down! Many people are smarter and better than us.” Parental message: “Keep your head down so they don’t laugh at you. You are not worthy of respect, you are worthless.” At the same time, the child draws his own conclusions: “Since I can’t do this, then they demand of me, it means I’m inferior.” “They only love smart, skillful, successful people.” “I really need love, but I’m not worthy of it.” “I really need love, and I will try to at least irritate my parents less. To do this, I will be nice and helpful." "I need to make sure that my successes are not too noticeable. Then I will definitely disappoint my parents even more and they will love me even less.” “The less often I do something, the less they are angry with me. We need to show less initiative and keep everything to a minimum.” As a result of parental messages and conclusions of the child, victim traits are formed: Egocentrism (self-obsession); Self-doubt; High level of demands on oneself; Desire to attract the sympathy of othersthrough self-pity; Constant feelings of guilt and shame; Fear of failure; Fear of success; Touchiness; Secret vindictiveness; Painful perception of criticism; Avoidance of conflict situations, even to the detriment of oneself; Inability to express one’s opinion, stand up for oneself; Chronic dissatisfaction with life; The desire to convey responsibility for important decisions and one’s destiny to other people; Tendency to choose partners who criticize and humiliate him (to fulfill the parental family model); Tendency to depression. Thus, the victim is a manifestation of the inner child who is vulnerable and needs protection and support. The victim appears at the moment when he believes that he cannot take care of himself. The victim's biggest fear is that he will not succeed. This anxiety forces him to constantly be in search of someone stronger and more capable of taking care of him. The victim denies that he has the ability to solve his problems on his own. The victim suffers and is looking for someone to entrust the solution to his problems. Guilt is often used by the Victim for the Rescuer’s manipulation: “If you don’t do it, then who will?” At the same time, he feels shame for irresponsibility and ineptitude. Anxiety leads to the Rescuer and provides an excuse for remaining a Victim. The Victim may feel resentment towards those on whom they depend. Insists that she needs to be taken care of, but at the same time does not like it when inadequacy is pointed out to her, and she experiences anger. The victim saturates her life with feelings of self-humiliation and self-flagellation. In the future, she will be transformed into a Persecutor, when there will be an opportunity to “have a blast” or rise to the role of a Rescuer. The victim eventually gets tired of being lower than the Rescuer, she is looking for ways to feel equal. At the same time, the Victim may reject attempts to save the Rescuer with passive-aggressive behavior (playing the “yes, but...” game). It looks like this: The Rescuer offers a solution to the problem voiced by the Victim. The victim immediately gives the answer: “Yes, but it won’t work because...”, while trying to prove that her problem is insoluble. Thus, the victim strives to become on the same level as the rescuer and feel right, and not hurt. The victim always feels humiliated and sooner or later begins to take revenge, turning into a Persecutor. Convinced of his inner inferiority, the Victim often abuses drugs, alcohol, and food , gambling. Victims seek help more often than other roles in Karpman’s triangle, and Rescuers are often found among psychotherapists. In this case, the specialist himself can enter the triangle, but the real problem will not be solved. The victim must learn: Stop waiting for help from someone. Be responsible for yourself and take care of yourself, and not look for a Savior for yourself. Instead of feeling weak and humiliated, admit your powerlessness over the problem (alcoholism, drug addiction and other addictions) and seek help from a specialist. Recognize your ability to solve feasible problems. Take full responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts and reactions. Recognize your bodily sensations and reactions that signal that helplessness is setting in. Let go of painful memories that were abused by the stalker. Learn to address confrontation and deal with other people's anger. Set boundaries with the pursuer and rescuer and stop communicating if they do not respect your boundaries. Stop blaming the pursuer and rescuer and focus on getting away from their influence. Surround yourself with new, positive friends and assert yourself as an independent person. a person who can cope with life's problems. Start a life in which you are responsible for yourself! If it is difficult for you to cope alone and what is inside of you pushes you onto the path of the Victim, consult a psychotherapist! Remember that you are the master of your destiny and choose your own path! If you are interested in this topic, subscribe to my page and"