From the author: Every second client comes to me with difficulties in relationships with parents, usually with mom. And even if this is not the central theme of our work, at some stage this point still comes out. I am planning a series of articles where I will describe the most common difficulties in communicating with my mother and options for how to solve this. I’ll start with the most common one. - Anya, go home! - Mom, am I cold? - No, you want to eat. When a mother actively interferes in the life of an adult son or daughter, this is a sign that the psychological boundaries of the mother and the adult child are blurred. Mom believes that an adult son or daughter still belongs to her, that she is responsible for his life and well-being. At the same time, happiness and well-being mean exactly what the mother considers important; the opinion of the son or daughter is not taken into account. Common phrases: I know better, I know better, I’m a mother, I’m trying for you, I’m for you I'm worried. You don't even have to live together for this. These could be daily telephone conversations, where you are obliged to give an account of what is happening to you, and in return receive a bunch of advice that was not asked for. If mom comes to visit, she immediately starts cleaning the apartment, because “Everything here is overgrown with dirt.” Or rearrange things: “It’s just as beautiful.” Cook: “Because the soup was under-salted.” Raising your child: “He’s completely out of control.” And give a lot of unsolicited advice on how to make your life and your family’s life better. When choosing a life partner, a job, or friends, mom considers her opinion a priority. If you do it your own way, it is perceived as a mortal insult and disrespect for the mother and her life experience. How to change the situation and stop the invasion of your life? Be patient and learn to set and defend your boundaries when communicating with your mother. This means learning to say “no” if you don’t need your mother’s advice, decisions and help right now and are suitable, learning not to fall into a feeling of guilt when your mother is offended that you don’t need her authoritative opinion, learning to understand yourself and trying to convey to your mother, what kind of care you want from her and are ready to accept, learn not to violate mom’s boundaries yourself - don’t drop in on a visit without warning, don’t give unsolicited advice, don’t extort help, even if you know that mom is uncomfortable, but she will still agree. And be prepared to the fact that your mother will resist at first, because in her head you are still a five-year-old child who is not ready for independent life and all the accompanying difficulties. You will have to stubbornly, regularly and methodically prove that you have grown up a long time ago, are completely independent and are capable of making adult decisions. It is advisable to show this not only in words, but also in actions. A cry of despair: “Mom, I’m already an adult!!!” - does not work. And a calm, confident and methodical statement: “Mom, I’ve been happily married for five years, I have a job that interests me, and in general I’m happy with life” can help relieve mother’s anxiety. Unfortunately, the problem with blurred psychological boundaries, although it is the main one in difficulties in communication with parents, but not the only one. Since when trying to build boundaries on the part of an adult son or daughter, other difficulties arise, which I will write about in my next articles. If it is unbearable to communicate with your mother. Part 2. Why doesn't my mother love me? If it is unbearable to communicate with my mother. Part 3. Resentment, guilt and responsibility If it is unbearable to communicate with your mother. Part 4. Which one of us is the mother? If it is unbearable to communicate with your mother. Part 5. A word in defense of mom To be continued…