“The true essence of close relationships is that they are never better than the relationship you have with yourself.” James Hollis This is the reason why psychologists recommend starting with yourself, and not with the relationship. Clients don’t like this because “I want relationships with others, not with myself,” “you explain why he doesn’t understand, doesn’t listen, doesn’t appreciate and how to make him understand, listen and appreciate.” People to whom we are drawn to, they treat us in much the same way as we treat ourselves. We weed out what doesn’t suit us right away. And it’s great when we weed out people who violate boundaries and cause pain. But no, we often weed out those with whom a very good story could have turned out if we treated ourselves treat yourself with respect and warmth. It’s a shame when we weed out the kind attitude towards us, because we don’t believe, for example, that we can just be loved, that we are interesting. We believe that love must be earned. Someone looks at us with a smile, we think that maybe he’s just a good person or maybe he’s sorry. We would like to be ignored, pushed on a swing, devalued. This is understandable to us, habitual. We weed out warm partners because we are used to hitting the ice, crushing it, carrying it in large and small carts, drowning it. We would like a Snow Queen who will look kindly once a year, and the rest of the time will be cold and unapproachable. We weed out those who trust us and do not track every step, because we do not understand the difference between care and love and control and suppression. We weed out emotionally available people with whom everything is clear, because we are bored. We should go through quests, solve riddles, disenchant someone mysterious and incomprehensible. Or we weed out those who speak well of us and give compliments, because this is some kind of catch. It cannot be that they see good in us. We would like to be criticized, always dissatisfied, demanding more and more. We weed out self-sufficient people because we feel our worth only when we help, grow, educate a partner with a clear deficit. We may like a more or less fulfilled person, but we don’t know what to do with him or even to do. We weed out intelligent, interesting people, because they are truly intelligent and interesting, and we are just impostors, of course. You can, of course, continue to mistake for love what you accepted as love in your family of origin. You can continue to adapt to your own and others’ neuroses. Or you can find the courage to break this script and find your true self. Or others will find us and use us as they see fit..