From the author: About attitudes, about family scenarios and how they deprive a person of the joy of close relationships. In search of intimacy. Why does the other become unavailable? About the influence of childhood attitudes on the quality of relationships in adulthood. Intimacy is what many people dream about. People want to be close and strive for each other: man to man, woman to man, man to woman. But only a few manage to find it and become truly close, while the majority feel like the other is distant like a star in the sky. “... To me to her/him as to a star!” This is the phrase of someone who thinks that the person they meet is so far away, so inaccessible and unattainable! This is how a meeting occurs, but not a finding. Although it must be said that such meetings are always a jolt for the soul, stimulating a person to grow. In this sense, a person finds - finds himself. After all, the search for another is a superficial sensation, but internally it is the road to yourself, to your real self in this place and at this time - finding yourself, which happens through another. But meeting another does not mean being with him. And this is another task. An event is a shared existence! And if most of us were given hope that a meeting is possible, then, alas, even fewer were given the knowledge and faith that an Event is possible, and to be even more precise, alas, Most of us have in our heads the idea that living together is hellish work, if not hell itself. Where does this picture of life come from? - From a family structure, one in which things didn’t work out, in which people were not together (existed together) formally).To be together - to be together - together and in one place, and not in different ones, as often happens. When planning to live together, get married, get married, people, having acquired attitudes, transmit a whole series of expectations to their partner, and often not even voice them, and, moreover, unconsciously they expect from their partner what they observed in the family in which they themselves grew up. And pictures from childhood sometimes look like horrors that, having once seen, the child was never able to integrate and, as an adult, represses his fears and expectations, unconsciously choosing those who will certainly revive the parental model of relationships in reality or completely refuse to “go into this water”, where everything is scary and most importantly is not clear. Who wants to dive into troubled waters?.. So said by significant adults phrases and scenes from parental relationships create a contour of the unconscious, which resembles a mystical circle that protects a person, just as a circle drawn with chalk on the floor protected Khoma, the hero of Gogol’s story “Viy.” But the whole difference is that horrors and monsters nest in the unconscious, and the outlined circle fences a person off from the real thing. Many, remembering “childhood films,” begin to feel the hair on their head moving and run away from any relationship, although they feel a deep need for intimacy. There are a lot of such “children’s” stories, both actually captured and and myths passed down in the family from generation to generation. For example: - They were too beautiful, such people are never happy! - Your grandfather married his grandmother for selfish reasons - A relative hanged himself because his wife abused him - A husband shot his wife out of jealousy - The child’s father cheated on his mother - The woman considered her husband a rag - The wife suffered beatings from her husband - She was too good for him! - Beauty ruined them... And then all this turns in the unconscious into a mandatory scenario from which it is impossible to escape and then, “to be you will be humiliated”, “you will be hanged”, “you will certainly choose the wrong woman and get drunk!” etc., etc. And this scenario is seasoned with the idea of ​​marriage, or rather its obligation and eternity. People change, especially in relationships, and if you are afraid of the idea that this man / this woman is in your life forever ( but it’s scary not because it’s bad or impossible - who said it won’t work out for you?, but because there is a fear of repeating the unsuccessful scenario of your relatives). Frightened by marriage, or rather by what it was like with your grandparents or parents, you will!