From the author: In continuation of the article, analysis of the situation and counseling of a young mother who filed a complaint against her husband regarding his “non-participation” in family life... Read the beginning of a dialogue with the client here Quickly I'm scribbling an answer. So that everything can be solved in one fell swoop. I really want to sleep. Let’s do this, Polina: 1) there is a rule - no request - we don’t work. A psychologist does not give advice, but helps a person understand his feelings and thoughts. If you want to work, then I immediately warn you that in your case it is not quick, but you can definitely change the situation. Therefore, make a decision - if you work and change, then look for a psychotherapist and undergo analysis. You need it. Below I will write why. Simply by talking I won’t help. 2) Your expectations and demands from a man - “pat on the head, talk, praise for doing household chores, clean up after you” - these are the expectations and demands of a child in relation to a parent. Such a relationship is by no means equal. there cannot be. If equality means two adults, independent and self-sufficient, who take responsibility for their lives and do not need approval, stroking, or indulgences3) Imagine for a moment that this is your apartment and you live alone with your child without a man - tell me, will the vacuum cleaner be put in place and the rag too, or will they lie around, disturbing both you and the child? I assume that you will agree that order and cleanliness in the house - regardless of whether there are 2 people, 3 live there, a mother with a child or a bachelor is the responsibility of an adult. Related to self-care, hygiene and health. Or can everything be lying around anywhere in your house??? From what you said - you have a nanny - which is already a super resource - one mother can cope with one child completely (excluding, of course, disabled people - blind, armless, etc.) - which means your grievances and demands on a man are too high. If you have time to sit down on social networks, it means you are not as busy as you are trying to show a man. When a married couple comes to work with me, where the woman sits at home with or without a child, the friend has the same complaints friend, like you and in a pre-divorce state, the first thing I do is ask you to time the time. From the very morning until you go to bed, write down what you did every 15 minutes. Honestly. Without any - washing clothes for two hours - although I washed the machine, vacuumed for 3 hours every day - although this is 15 minutes once a week, played with the child for 4 hours - although he is awake for 2 hours maximum, etc. At least one day, or better yet a week. Usually such wives ask me to hide the results of their timing from their husbands - because the truth is that even for a large apartment and dinner a day it takes no more than an hour and a half, and for a small child, three hours - with all the feedings, changing clothes, games. The rest of the time is TV, computer, chatting with friends, aimlessly wallowing, etc. Only a few are really busy - but these are usually mothers who simultaneously work from home. But they, as a rule, do not swear, and do not take offense, and do not demand care - but try with all their might to make an equal contribution to the family’s prosperity. And everyone else creates the appearance of being busy and tired, although for the most part this is just boredom and laziness. They elevate their “work” to the rank of extremely difficult and impossible. This timing is the first step towards seeing your reality. Usually 5 hours a day is a waste of time - during this time you can not only clean the vacuum cleaner, but also fully earn money for yourself and your child. Many systems for efficient housekeeping exist - for example, flylady - allows you to organize your entire life and spend on home an hour a day and it really works. If, of course, you start doing 4) the man clearly said that he will not sit with the child - why are you offended??? You were warned in advance, right? No one deceived or promised from the beginning. He does exactly as he says. He sees his contribution and help in paying for a nanny, paying for your food, things, providing housing - this is actually a lot, if there isWhat to compare with? Did you dream that with the birth of a child he would change? But these are your dreams. And the man is not to blame for this. No one is obliged to fulfill other people's dreams and desires. My dream is my achievement. Your dream is for someone else to be responsible for you. And this is the position of a child, not an equal woman. We always give birth to a child for ourselves, and not for someone to share our own responsibilities with us. According to what you wrote, you are sorely lacking in love from the outside. You need to give to your child - and you yourself, as a child, expect that “daddy” will take pity, stroke, clean, support. How was your relationship with your own father? Are your parents divorced? Did he leave the family? Died early? From your story - you are looking for a “father” or even a “mother” for yourself, and not a man. If you were 16 years old, this would be normal. But at 32 with a child in your arms, this speaks of personal problems that it is advisable to solve, since in fact, being a single mother and depriving the child of a father - you are making a decision that changes the whole life of your child for the worse. 5) Your requirements for a man overpriced - he gives more than he should according to society’s ideas about the role of a man in the family. Food, shelter, safety while you care for the baby. This is a natural and socially conditioned “should”. Anything more is his personal desire. The role of the father is relevant for a child after 6 years. Before this - from 0 to 3 - mother, 3-6 - peers. 6) equal relationships and having a man-father is a contradiction. If this is a “father” - who strokes the head, satisfies needs, praises, helps with basic things, takes responsibility for your affairs, etc. - then he, like a father, manages your life, sets the rules, demands compliance and punishes for non-compliance. But you don’t like it at all. If they have equal rights, that means no stroking or transfer of responsibility. Everyone is self-sufficient. And interaction occurs at the level - joint projects, joint pleasures, a common desire for development, mutually beneficial cooperation7) Maslow’s Pyramid - it’s great that you know about it and wrote about it. One “but” - satisfying all one’s needs is the task and goal of the individual himself, and not of those who surround him. But in your opinion, it turns out - “yes, my man satisfies my low-level needs, but I also have others - but here he is no good, he is not suitable.” Do you see the contradiction? Your needs are only your inner goal. And as a result, you have pushed even the lowest level needs onto another person and are unhappy that he does not take care of your higher level needs. Food, water, security (home), sex - this is the first level - who provides it now in your family??? I’m sure you’re smart and will answer that you’re a man. Yes, when a person’s needs are satisfied by someone else and he doesn’t have to work for days to get at least a piece of bread - yes, then the person begins to think and want more. This can simply be expressed as “getting greedy.” If you yourself had to fully raise a child, and rent an apartment, and earn all your needs yourself, without nannies and mothers and any help - to provide for your needs yourself - then you would dream of a life like the one you have now, Every time a man came home would be a holiday and full of gratitude, you would experience the joy of being able to do so in the warmth and comfort with a wonderful baby without straining. It’s a pity that people don’t understand their happiness... They definitely have to face a very major misfortune in order to understand how great everything really was. There is a client who, like you, thought that her man did not live up to her dreams, and cannot even say a word to put it kindly, and a lot of claims - and when he accidentally drowned in the sea at a resort, and some strange partners came, kicked him out of the apartment, took everything and reset the accounts, demanding more debts, leaving her and her son literally naked - that’s when she realized that she was incredibly happy with her husband. Just notto return - and instead of products from the store and expensive things - whoever can collect what they can from friends. She came to me through friends - she was about to commit suicide. Everything is learned by comparison. There are many single mothers who really want to return the man whom they themselves drove away, because other men turn out to be worse - but they have already started a second family. And they also cry about their stupidity and blindness. Your “blindness” will also see the light someday. Absolutely. We all grow up and understand that there are rosy dreams, and there are real people, real and therefore beautiful. And when it’s cold, you can warm up by simply hugging a real, living, warm man, even if he’s not Brad Pitt - but you can’t hug a dream... If you feel that your needs are not met, this indicates that you have not made any effort to satisfy them. Those who do always satisfy. You expect that someone else will satisfy them - but all people care only about their own needs - only those who have reached maturity take on other people's needs and do this with a feeling of happiness from the opportunity to help someone. What can help you now - definitely, You will feel better if you stop pretending to be a mother, whom you don’t yet have inside, and go to work, leaving your child with a nanny. At work, you will feel in demand and important without having to be responsible for the child and be sour at home. Many people live this way. Raising exactly the same “unloved children” as you once were. The problem at home is not that the man does not want to share responsibility with you and tinker with the baby. You have a problem - you got a child, but you don’t know what to do with him - there was no exciting maternal feeling. All these worries stress and irritate you, rather than give you happy moments of unity and love. When a mother is mature, fussing with her child captures her entirely and fills her with energy. Motherhood is the natural destiny and highest realization of a Woman. There is nothing higher than this. And your child takes away the resources that you are trying to demand from your husband. You are trying to push the concern for him onto everyone - the man, the nanny, the mother. You are irritated and tormented by being forced to stay at home. Therefore, going to work and shifting all responsibility for the child to another person will definitely alleviate all your symptoms. It will not solve the internal problem, but the feeling that it has become easier will arise. Until you grow up yourself, until a child grows up whom you don’t know and don’t understand, until this child starts having exactly the same problems... When your mother arrives, what does she do? Take care of you while you are busy with the child or you give it to her child while you are busy with your own business? This is an important question. If the first, then you are still a child who did not receive enough care and love in childhood, and your newborn child has actualized these feelings. And now there is a good reason to complain and get yours from your mother. If you leave the child and “run away from home” from all these troubles, then this is about rejection of the child, he has no place in you, and it is possible to repeat the behavior of your own mother. And that’s in another case, an analysis of your childhood will help - if you have a feeling of being switched off - “love is leaving”, the child does not evoke a feeling of happiness, you don’t want to get out of bed and fulfill your duties, it seems to you that you are abandoned, you are not receiving proper attention and care, problems with eating, sleeping, you do everything reluctantly and slowly, you lie around for a long time, you don’t want to move - then you can assume postpartum depression - contact a psychoneurologist at your place of residence, you will be prescribed mild antidepressants and you will feel relief. This will help you get through this period. And then look at the condition - you are not the only one. Now there are a lot of such “mothers.” The main thing you need to understand and where to start is that neither a man nor anyone else is to blame for what is happening inside you. These are just your own internal processes. There are women who, having nothing that you have, become mothers and overcome difficulties only to)