From the author: The only thing I regret in life is that I didn’t have the opportunity to learn about myself earlier what I know now...Part 1. There is a hackneyed phrase “all problems from childhood " Based on psychological language, in this case, we are talking about developmental trauma. Developmental trauma is based on chronic dysfunctional relationships within the family. In order to better cope with unfavorable living conditions, the child creates characteristic psychological defenses that help him survive in them. It is the living conditions, the specifics of the emerging relationships with the first significant objects, the characteristics and methods of communication in the family that form character, reinforce the habitual ways of behavior and reactions in which a person uses throughout life, as a result of adaptation and adaptation to these conditions. These types of psychological trauma and reactions to them can be compared to the impact of a traumatic object on the body: severe intense pain, unbearably loud sound, light - activates the reactions of the nervous system, mobilizes all the body’s resources for an instant reaction aimed at getting rid of this irritant - jump away, pull your hand away from the boiling water, get ready to run away or attack. All activity and resources go towards overcoming the situation, there is an opportunity to cope with it. Likewise in the psyche: the so-called shock trauma - physical or sexual violence, accident, death of a loved one and similar unforeseen situations - is experienced very acutely, has intense symptoms (depression, emotional limitations, fears, phobias, mental disorders). Developmental trauma is not so intense, tolerable, but a long-term and systematic impact that forces one to adapt to it. For example, reduce sensitivity to an irritated stimulus, stop noticing discomfort. Stop getting injured by “growing” a callus on your delicate skin. Adapt to unfavorable conditions in order to survive. More often than not, people come to a psychologist’s office, bringing with them “tools of their survival” in the form of symptoms that have become traits of their personality, character, and which they do not associate with the history of their development. Speech will focus specifically on developmental trauma, or more precisely, in what requests from clients we look for its origins. I will try to describe the reasons and conditions in which this or that problem was formed. Here it is worth noting separately the fact that NOT ALWAYS the same conditions form a certain symptom or character traits. As the saying goes: “Every drunk driver is a criminal, but not every criminal is a driver.” In each case, there are INDIVIDUAL FACTORS: characteristics of the nervous system, age, resources of the client and his family system, which determine the intensity and stability of symptoms. And, nevertheless, the similarity of life contexts in the stories of clients with similar requests allows us to see certain patterns. So, a common request #1 Problem of self-esteem: - attitude towards oneself, one’s own appearance - abilities, talents - belief in oneself and one’s strengths - recognition of one’s own values. Collective image of the client: A person is not able to positively evaluate his skills, achievements, goals. A sense of self-worth and uniqueness has not been formed. Devalues ​​himself and his achievements, is unable to appropriate them, attribute them to himself, and is never good enough. The question about his strengths, advantages, baffles him, and he answers that there are none. I am very dependent on other people's opinions and self-assessment. Attitude towards oneself is determined not by personal opinion, but by the assessment of oneself by others. Therefore, he does not focus on himself, his own desires, and is not sensitive to his own needs. A lot of effort and resources go into seeking the approval of others. I don't like myself. It is very difficult to accept compliments addressed to you. He does not give himself the right to make mistakes, because at the slightest “misfire” he spreads rot, scolds and blames himself. Unable to support and motivate yourself. This factor reduces initiative and activity - motivation for activity is aimed at avoidingfailures. As a result, he shows passivity, fears beginnings, changes. In relationships, a constant experience of unworthiness for a partner, doubt about attractiveness to the opposite sex. His own attitude towards himself requires confirmation, therefore such a client unconsciously chooses for himself such interaction partners, “reflecting” from whom he asserts itself in one’s own attitude towards oneself, reinforcing low self-worth. Symptoms of low self-esteem are manifested by perfectionism, an increased need for attention, manipulativeness, inability to defend one’s rights, to say no, agreement, and conformity. Accompanied by the habit of complaining about one’s life, circumstances, one’s bad luck. All this has a very negative impact on the quality of relationships in the client’s life and life in general. Client’s childhood, reasons for the formation of the symptom: A person’s self-esteem is formed and depends on the quality of early object relationships in childhood. Parents are a mirror for a child, reflecting in which he draws information about himself - Who am I? What am I? What is it worth? What can I do? The child forms an attitude towards himself through the prism of the assessment and attitude of significant adults towards himself. In essence, the client has introjected the attitude of his immediate environment towards himself. The developed methods of reactions and behavior in response to such an attitude towards oneself are consolidated, they actually become character traits, confirm and approve this status. Living conditions, features of upbringing and early relationships: - Emotional coldness in a family where it is not customary to hug, kiss, or praise each other , talk about your good feelings, share your emotions. As a result, the child does not have the resources and tools to form knowledge about himself as “good”, “loved”, “unique”. - Systematic comparison of the child: with other children, with siblings (brother/sister) who have any achievements , with myself at this age. The child is always compared with a certain “standard”. Which he never reaches. Despite the fact that parents give messages reflecting the conditions of their parental love, in fact, parents are simply not able to accept it ANYONE, regardless of efforts and achievements. - Too high level of parental aspirations, inadequate to the real capabilities of the child: the child is driven, drilled , are forced to make extra efforts where he does not have abilities and talents. Constant criticism, demandingness. The child is not given the right to make mistakes. Any mistakes and failures cause an over-emotional reaction. In contrast to the reaction to real achievements, when “I did better today than yesterday,” which are simply not noticed. Getting used to criticism and devaluation, perceiving them as the norm, the child does not expect a positive attitude from others. Strengthening his own perception of himself as a loser, he tries not to “stick his head out,” not to express himself, not to declare himself. - The child is imposed with too high a level of responsibility, which he, due to his age, is not able to cope with. For example, for the actions and safety of younger children in the family, caring for an old or sick family member, for the reactions of an alcoholic father. The constant fear of not being able to cope, of doing something wrong, with full confidence that you should, is intolerable for the child’s psyche and leads to emotional constraint: “If I should, but I can’t cope, there’s something wrong with me!” - Inconsistency parental expectations as a result of chronic, congenital diseases, disappointment with the child’s appearance, dissatisfaction with his weight, figure, dissimilarity with himself, inevitably lead to parents demonstrating their non-acceptance. Both in direct verbal ways and indirect, hidden, non-verbal messages. It must also be said here that high self-esteem is a continuation of low self-esteem. Having different symptoms, they are manifestations of the same psychological problem. They have the same prerequisites and are accompanied by similar emotional experiences. They have one reason - the inability to evaluate themselves adequately. One of!