During marital counseling, one of the spouses often makes claims to the other on the topic of control. "It pisses me off when you control me!" - a husband says to his wife, for example. Is he really being controlled or is it just a projection? Or does a person unconsciously want to be controlled, so through projective identification he convinces another that he controls him, labels him as a controller? Or maybe he controls it himself, and to hide it, he blames someone else? What is the hidden need behind all this? How do you know if a person is caring or controlling? Maybe he just doesn't know how to accept care? Or maybe he simply uses the conflict as a secondary benefit? We try to clarify these nuances during the consultation. Of course, these attitudes come from childhood, when the child borrows their behavior patterns from their parents. For example, a codependent mother constantly controlled an alcoholic father, and the child transferred this model to the relationship with his partner, or he identified with the role of a victim father who resisted control from his wife, or the mother controlled the child, treated him as helpless, and humiliated him. , violated his boundaries, or maybe even showed indifference, did not care about him, and accordingly, he did not learn to accept care, perceiving it as an incomprehensible, hostile intention. To deal with these attitudes, you need to learn to determine what is control and what there is care to separate them from each other, to understand your boundaries and negotiate them, but to do this respectfully, without hurting anyone’s dignity. For example, when a wife tells her husband before leaving for work: “Put on a scarf, it’s cold outside,” this is control on her part or care?” “What was interesting at work?” “What time will you be home today?” “Did you wash your hands?” “Did you have lunch today?” “How much money do you have on your card now?” These and other similar requests can be perceived in two ways: as control and as care. If in doubt, you can ask: “For what purpose are you interested?” Elementary, there is mutual responsibility of spouses to each other, family rules: for example, if you are late, call, everyone should know about balance on each other’s card in order to plan a budget or should there be a joint account... These rules are observed unconditionally, and grievances are inappropriate here. When does care really become toxic? Agree, care should not only be justified by necessity, but also pleasant to the person, should not humiliate his dignity. If a mother, for example, ignoring the child’s wishes, shoves a spoon of porridge into his mouth, this is violence, not care, if she checks every step, justifying her actions with the carelessness of another, this is also a type of psychological violence. Control - one of the ways to control another person in order to change his behavior in accordance with the expected results. Caring is not aimed at changing another, does not pursue the goal of making him meet expectations. Caring, we, first of all, want to please the person. This means that care needs to be expressed in a form that will be pleasant to him. Control is pleasant to few people, and is often of a violent nature in relationships. Control is not only a test, it is any manipulative influence on a person in order to control his behavior: insults, provocations, pressure, devaluation, resentment, reproaches, etc. are often used as a way of control in destructive relationships instead of articulating one’s needs and boundaries. Dear readers, if you have an urgent need to understand your relationships, I invite you to a consultation with me!